When I was a child I enjoyed traveling a lot, it was very easy to put on my headphones to listen to my favorite music of that time, then if I played a trip at night it was great because you could play with the idea of going in a kind of spaceship with all the stars that could be seen on the road.
Contemplating the immensity imposes, observing the night sky while the body is moving at a considerable speed could help me to experience that feeling that there is something else in this that seems reality.
With this kind of moments it was like I started a taste for losing myself or looking for myself, I'm not sure, but it feels as if life could be lived as a dream where ideas and emotions can be the brushes of the colors that I get to perceive.
So at my 7 years of age I learned techniques to avoid what was happening, or not realize obvious things, once you touch the immensity it is difficult to return to the mold of normal, like trying the sweetest of flavors and wanting Keep tasting it.
But good among my techniques to escape the real thing, the imagination became a great companion.
I became unintentionally a professional escapist, for all the things I don't like, for everything I don't understand or for what I would like to be different, if I could somehow control what I thought I saw or manipulate it to see only one part.
After all, what is real?
The point is that wanting to live alone in the immensity of the stars had a time with blindness, that idealizes people and situations therefore does not allow you to enjoy the perfect imperfection of human relationships.
For me it was also that idea of separation that remained as seeded when someone hurt a being that I love, a situation of the painful type that you prefer to know nothing about.
Some time passed to discover that it is only the mind that does not know how to react to these elements Love and Pain, in my case the first reaction is to evade them.
It is very practical to pretend that nothing happens, but it comes at a time when all unlived emotions reach you and paralyze you.
I was in a high school classmates' meeting, the surprise that a group of people had such a beautiful manifestation of love prepared at a birthday party for me, left me literally breathless, as I remember I faded for a few minutes, not a slight scare and then we were enjoying.
Paradoxically, perhaps that was one of the first calls to land, for evading he had blocked a lot of sensitivity so much that he had forgotten how it was to feel loved by someone who is not your family.
If you fuck If one spends a lot of time in the mind, forget how love is experienced and lived, when it appears sometimes it can look like electric discharges.
So my body was playing for periods of kind of jokes and reminders that doctors call epilepsy.
For a long time I refused to even say this word, especially the part of someone else telling me how I should live bothered me. But I was always looking for balance, healing.
Fortunately the techniques to deal with my mind evolved, I found the rise of the Ishayas, among many other things helped me to accept things as they are, to be present in the here and now.
Above all I live very grateful to be able to live in fullness, of course I'm still in love with the vastness.
By Michel
illustrations @ishaniartgallery
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