Our conscience can match an iceberg. There is a part of our mind that we are fully aware of and recognize without problems, which would be the visible area.
The other part is the unconscious, which includes the mental processes, feelings, memories and ideas that we ignore but can manifest every day without our knowledge.
Many of these processes can be negative for us, such as certain ways of interpreting the events around us. In fact, there are thought patterns that can make us very unhappy and that in Psychology are known as "cognitive distortions."
Next, we will see what unconscious habits are those that cause us discomfort and contribute to make us unhappy and how to solve them:
1- Negative ways of interpreting things
What happens around us are simply facts that can be taken in a thousand different ways. What is curious is that the same event can be seen negatively or positively.
Unhappy people have a habit of considering the events that occur around them in a way that causes them unnecessary discomfort. And, moreover, it is a very automatic, unconscious, and therefore complicated thinking pattern.
Some examples of these interpretations would be:
- Expect bad consequences of any unexpected or new event ("I'm going to meet my partner's family, I'm sure I do something inappropriate"). This unconscious way of thinking ends up affecting the mood, increasing anxiety and discomfort, which can end up increasing the probability that our fears will be fulfilled.
The appropriate thing is to face novel situations with openness and positive attitude, regardless of whether things are going to work out well or badly, but trying to get the most out of them.
That attitude will be reflected in what we say and what we do. Thus, we will be calmer, carefree and closer to our goals.
- Exaggerate and magnify the negative aspects of things and forget the positive: we have the absurd habit of focusing on the bad, turning and highlighting everything makes you suffer that situation.
However, there are always positive things in almost all areas of our lives (for example: staying healthy, having success with our partner, a beautiful relationship with our children, etc.) that tend to be forgotten.
What if we remember all the valuable things in our life or have we achieved? What if we had in mind all those times that we fight and go out graceful instead of our failures? Obviously, we would be happier without losing our sincerity with ourselves.
Extreme vision ( all is white or black ): or classify our experiences as good or malas without realizing how complex it is the world and everything that happens in it. Many events can be placed at intermediate points, without having to be valued so positively or negatively.
It is not impossible to change the way we interpret things. The first thing to do this, is to be aware of how we take the things that happen to us and start replacing the thought that makes us unhappy with another one more adjusted to reality and that generates less discomfort.
We will change I am sure that I am doing badly in the job interview because I have to go prepared and energized to the interview, I will do my best.
2. What we say to ourselves
This point is very similar to the previous one, but I want to highlight here specifically how we treat our own person.
Sometimes we forget that we are imperfect but valuable, capable beings, that we have bad and good days, and that we should talk to each other with respect and affection.
Analyze what you say to yourself and run away from unconscious thoughts that become automatic of the type: "I should be better, " "I have to work harder, " "I must be the perfect mother, " "I always do everything wrong. ", " I wish I wasn't so clumsy ", " You're already thinking about the same thing again ", etc.
These things we tell ourselves implicitly crave perfectionism and too many demands that overflow us and cause us stress. That is why it is important to know our own value, assume it and realize that we must be more understanding with ourselves.
Thus, we could change these thoughts for others such as: “This has gone wrong, but I have many good things, maybe next time it will be better”, “I feel proud as a mother”, or “Today I am tired, I will take the things more calmly ”.
3- Focus on the past or future and not live in the present
A very common mistake is not to think about the present, but to spend a lot of time thinking about things that have already happened or that are believed to happen in the future. Worrying about what is going to happen can cause a lot of stress and we also have no real assurance that what we think will happen or not. As we see, this is an unconscious task that is useless and even makes us feel bad.
Another mistake is the idea of "I can be happy when I get a partner, " or "when I lose weight, my happiness will begin." Since you are projecting your happiness to a future event, ignoring that today, you can feel happy in other ways and value other good things in your current life.
The only sure thing we have is that we are living in the present, in the here and now. The past is something that has already happened and we cannot change, and we don't know the future.
For this reason, our conscience must be oriented to what we are living at this precise moment: now you are reading this text, and it is here that you should have all your attention and focus your thoughts.
Many people are currently training this ability to live the present thanks to a meditation technique called mindfulness or mindfulness.
There are studies that confirm that this technique produces greater psychological well-being, for example, this meta-analysis.
4- Thinking that we should always be happy and sad is bad
It is obvious that everything is not always as we want in life: there are hard times that test our strength, unexpected failures, losses, mistakes ... The important thing is to become aware that this is part of existence and recognize that we have to live it, not avoid it.
We tend to have the wrong idea, unconsciously, that we have an obligation to always feel good. It seems that we should always smile, be kind, be active ... and we do not allow ourselves to feel anger, pain or cry.
This makes us repress our negative emotions, that is, we lock them up. Without realizing that they are still there and not expressing them, it can affect our physical and mental health.
5- Try to erase or hide our traumatic memories
Together with the above, a capacity of our unconscious is to erase or hide those experiences of the past that have been traumatic or unpleasant for us. The goal of this is to temporarily protect us from that pain, pretending that it has not happened.
But the memory is stored somewhere hidden in our memory and sometimes there is a struggle in which he tries to leave and we do not leave him, contributing to our unhappiness.
How are these memories overcome? The trick is to remember them. It is a painful thing, but it is necessary to live to accept them, assume them, learn from them and, finally, overcome them.
6- Stay thinking about the problems and not act to solve them
This is something we do not realize, but it is very common. Remember when you have any problem how much time you spend thinking over and over again about this one and really how many things you do to solve it.
Most of the time we will spend hours and hours thinking about it or commenting on it to our friends or family, generating a lot of worries and discomfort.
Ideally, focus the thought on the solution, study the possible alternatives and get going as soon as possible. It is the only way to deal with problems.
7- Act at the service of the emotions we have in each moment
Our unconscious is apparently uncontrollable and instinctive, that is why it is linked to our most primary emotions. There are times when emotional changes can play tricks on us, such as having an attack of anger against someone outside your problems.
Therefore, we must learn to control our emotions and not let them dominate us. It's fine that we don't censor ourselves and allow ourselves to feel, but control as much as possible how we express those emotions so that they are adaptive.
8- Compare with other people
There are times when we unconsciously feel envious or jealous of others, since we perceive that they have good things that we think we do not have. These constant comparisons are typical of people who are not happy.
This eventually causes significant frustration with oneself, and contempt for others.
You have to be realistic and recognize both your own virtues and defects as those of others. Through our view, other people's lives may be distorted and unreal.
For example, it may seem that the lives of others are much more satisfying than ours, because we only know the positive and ignore their problems. Possibly the people we envy have or have had problems and difficulties that we do not even imagine. Therefore, envy others or feel bad about not being like them is a waste of time.
References
- Eberth, J. & Sedlmeier, P. (2012). The Effects of Mindfulness Meditation: A Meta-Analysis. Mindfulness 3, 3: 174-189.
- James, M. (July 30, 2013). Conscious of the Unconscious. Obtained from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/focus-forgiveness/201307/conscious-the-unconscious
