Does the love you feel towards another person live accompanied by anxiety? Do you live with permanent fear of losing the person you love? Our love has been mediated by fear. Loving has often been an exchange of benefits and duties that has led us to act in certain ways to keep the loved one. From the upbringing of our parents who are afraid of something happening to us, they do not allow us to explore, that they expect us to stay with them for a lifetime or at least until we find a person that is “worthwhile” to share our life, going through the lack of self-esteem, continuing with the cultural stereotypes that have created ideologies of a vitiated love. All of the above generates insecurities and fear of losing something, so we go through life delivering love from that same fear. That fear of losing obsesses us and finally leads us to addiction.
More dangerous than the use of psychoactive substances, cigarettes or alcohol, is addiction to another person. When we see a person consume any of these substances in excess, we know that he or she has an addiction, that this substance can generate consequences in the organism of the person, we know that there are help centers, etc., but when we see a person addicted to “ love ”we are not able to recognize it, simply because its behavior seems natural to us, even to the point of believing things like“ wow! What capacity to love (sacrifice) this person has ”, “ What a dedicated person ”. We get to the point of seeing these behaviors as virtues when in reality the person is losing their self-respect, their essence, until they stop being themselves.
Addiction to people
Undoubtedly, the most seen attachment is that of the couple but this does not mean that it is the only one, there are attachments to our families, parents, children, friends, bosses, etc. The symbiosis that is generated is so extreme that a depersonalization is generated, my needs disappear to give solution to the needs of the other. In the media we observe these behaviors as something natural that we all feel, this identifies us. To take an example, these are some of the songs we sing believing that it is normal to feel that our life is meaningless without that other person:
"I would leave everything for you to stay
my creed, my past, my religion
... my skin would leave her too,
my name, my strength
even my own life
and what else is missing
if you take my faith completely ”
(Chayanne, I'd leave it all)
“For you, for you, for you
I've left everything without looking back
bet your life and let me win ”
(Ricky Martin, I miss you, I forget you, I love you)
“To live without her is to be,
Chained to that body,
That I love is to fear him
to loneliness ”
(Gilberto Santa Rosa, Living without her)
Attachment arises because we are afraid of losing another when in fact we have already lost the most important person in our lives: ourselves. Our fear of loneliness is really a fear of seeing ourselves without masks. Fear of establishing a relationship with us. In silence and solitude we are able to see ourselves listen and recognize each other, know the demons that inhabit us, be able to become honest with ourselves and accept our shadow. Knowing that shadow scares and more when our self-esteem is not very good. But if we remain a little more in the midst of that silence and loneliness we will also be able to see our light, know the tools and strengths we have, know that light that is hidden behind the noise and the passing of our daily lives.
Attachment is an addiction. The addiction begins with an act that so far is natural, but that was a pleasant situation. Sharing with a person who brought you joy while you were with her is a conscious act. But then you decide to see her again and experience that same satisfaction again. Then your brain generates endorphins (hormones of happiness) and you associate that happiness to the situation of sharing time with that person, endorphins have an analgesic effect on our body and give a sense of peace. Little by little you feel that sharing with this person fills a void, making it a habit. A conditioning is generated where the feeling of happiness is associated with the person's company. As time goes by tolerance develops towards the endorphins that our brain secretes. Tolerance is understood as an imbalance in which with the same amount of a substance the same effect is no longer generated, so it is necessary to increase the dose or frequency to feel the same sensation. Then that need to get the same sensation becomes an obsession to have that person. When you don't have that person, the withdrawal syndrome arises and then you do what it takes to get the person at the expense of anything.
We are conditioned from small. And when a person comes into our life that we believe will give us what we hope we will cling to it. When that person tries to move away we get terror and anxiety and do anything to retain it even if it involves submitting. When we return to get the `` love '' of this person we feel a false tranquility because deep down we are afraid that he will try to leave again and at the slightest change in the other one returns despair and we end up involved in a game without end because the other learns how to manipulate us and we do what is necessary to not lose that love. We become laboratory rats with which they play all the time without us noticing.
This does not mean that we should not feel satisfaction, pleasure or joy in the encounter with the other, but we must be aware that the joy that sharing with other people produces is not the solution to our gaps . We suffer because we believe that in the other we will find the love that we are unable to give ourselves. We have been told that we should love others as we love ourselves. But if we are not able to give ourselves that love, what are we going to give to others? We can only give what is inside each one.
We have treated love as a trade to meet a need. Love is not bought nor is it a transaction. He only stays with one who from his heart is willing to do it. He who stays with reproaches and manipulations is resentful, feeling that he lost his freedom. To get out of that cycle of addiction we must find ourselves, have a relationship with us based on love, accept ourselves with our virtues and defects. In the end, the only person we should live with all our lives is with ourselves, so why not do it with love and compassion?
Author: JP Ben Avid
Editor of the hermandadblanca.org
