I can't stop thinking about death. In my death And I don't know if I want to stop.
I think of her and I don't see her as an enemy, nor something I will try to avoid, but a moderate rebellion settles in, repressed, in me. It causes me, above all, envy for those who will stay when I leave.
I send to those children who do not know that I envy them for their infamous childhood and the future that is long, while I manage my little future trying to live conscientiously. The time has passed when I could splurge my days believing that I had eternity waiting for me.
What will bring me tomorrow - and not that I got up pessimistic is a little more deterioration, it will take away some health and it will take a day of my life . It will leave me a hint of disappointment changing a bit of my vital essence. The truth is that death motivates me to live .
But maybe not enough.
Sometimes, I think I don't quite believe in her. I don't know if I have any faith left in immortality. And instead of living with passion what I have left, with attention and awareness, by the bad or distant custom I still lose the days, which are my life. I don't know what to do, how to force myself to motivate myself. I don't know how this is done to live as if life is going to end. That is going to end.
I don't know how to live "as if it were the last day". I don't know when, or how, to stand firm, irreducibly firm, and not deviate from the path of life. I don't know how to get to the end of the day and get a positive balance that leaves me with the satisfaction I shouted: " I did live this one, this one did not escape me ". What do I really want? And for that. What brings me pleasure or peace?
And for that. What gives me the beautiful feeling of living? And for that. It seems incredible that a lifetime has not helped me learn to live.
Where will I get the strength that allows me to establish life in my life, and that LIVING is the only thing I do from now on ? Where can I get the intimate conscience that screams the conscience?
LIVING is the goal, and not dying little by little without realizing that not paying attention is stealing life from LIFE . Will I be able tomorrow, when I wake up, to reaffirm myself in the will to LIVE? And will I be able to do it? Or, on the contrary and for my misfortune they will have to gather again a series of truths presenting themselves with bare chest, shaking me with their crudeness, so that it returns to theorize again as I do now?
Or will a continuous warning be installed that reminds me insistently, without forgiving a second, that my purpose of this moment of lucidity is to LIVE? Or will I arrive at the Time of Repentance of the whole defeated, without remedy, tearful and sunken, overcome by the indolence of an indolent life? Will I rightly say that I died every day instead of LIVING ? Can I say that from today I was born again?
How to gather my dispersions, overthrow my current leaders, form a government of illusion and LIFE, and LIVE as a laudable goal of my days ? How do you do it? How is apathy scared? Where is firmness for purposes?
My complaint of almost a lifetime - and it is a long time ... - is that I think I do not know how to LIVE and my good purposes do not escape the theory or go beyond where the utopia comes.
Well ... everything I have written is not quite true ... the truth is that ... I make great progress and I do feel satisfied and it is my disagreement with the end of life who complains.
Throughout the day I stop several times and say: "It's Me." And I become aware of that "I". And I say: "I am alive." And I notice. And I say: "I am living ." And I realize things, my body, smells, places, people ... and I become fully aware of feelings, and I pay attention to emotions, and I feel and get excited, and that, more than anything else Let me know that I am intensely alive.
I am alive. And alive. Death, wait for your moment. Meanwhile, I will do my best to be able to say, without lying, as the poet said: "I confess that I have lived." I leave you with your reflections ...
Francisco de Sales is the creator of the web www.buscandome.es oriented to the Development and Personal and Spiritual Growth of people interested in improving their lives.
Reflections on life and death or vice versa
