You can heal your life: Louise's resistance to change

Resistance to change

“Me” I move with the rhythm and the flow of life, always changing ”

Awareness is the first step towards healing or change

When we carry some mental model deeply buried inside us, to be able to heal we must begin by becoming aware of it. We may talk about it with someone, or see the same mental model appear in other people. One way or another, it emerges to the surface, it catches our attention and we begin to have some relationship with it. Often, we attract a teacher, a friend, a class, a seminar or a book that begins to suggest new ways to address the solution of the problem.

My own awakening began with a casual comment from a friend about a meeting he had been told about, and although he was not going, I felt I don't know what inner response and I went. That little meeting was my first step on the path of my evolution. Until some time later I did not realize its importance.

Frequently, in this first stage our reaction is to think that all that is nonsense, or that it makes no sense. It might seem too easy, or unacceptable to our ideas. The fact is that we don't want to do it, and our resistance gains a lot of strength. It is even possible that we get angry just thinking about doing "that".

Such a reaction is excellent, if we can understand that it is the first step in our healing process.

I tell people that any reaction they may have serves to show them that they have already started the healing process. The truth is that the process begins at the moment we begin to think about changing.

Impatience is just another form of resistance: it is the resistance to learn and change. When we demand that everything be done right now, that it be completed immediately, we are not giving ourselves the necessary time to learn the lesson implicit in the problem we have created.

If you want to go to the next room, you have to get up and move step by step in that direction. With sitting still wishing to be in the other room nothing is fixed. Well it's the same. We all want to end our problems, but we don't want to do the little things that, together, will give us the solution.

Now is the time to recognize our responsibility for creating that situation or that state. I'm not talking about feeling guilty, or that nobody is a "bad person" for being where he is. What I mean is to recognize that "inner power" that transforms each of our thoughts into experience. In the past, without knowing it, we used that power to create things we didn't want to experience, because we didn't realize what we were doing. Now, by recognizing our responsibility, we become aware of this power, and learn to use it consciously in a positive way and for our benefit.

Frequently, when I suggest a solution to a client - it may be a new way of approaching an issue, or forgiving a person related to it - I see how the jaw begins to contract and move forward, and how you cross your arms tightly over your chest, sometimes even closing fists. The resistance is coming on the scene, and then I know that I have succeeded exactly with what needs to be done.

We all have lessons to learn. The things that are difficult for us are nothing more than the lessons we have decided to take. If things are easy for us, it is because we already know how to do them.

Lessons can be learned by realizing

If you think about what is more difficult to do, and how much you resist doing it, you are facing what is now the most important lesson for you. Surrendering, abandoning resistance and allowing yourself to learn what you need to learn will make the next step even easier. Do not let your resistance prevent you from changing. We can work on two levels: i) Attending to resistance, and 2) Making despite all the necessary mental changes. Observe yourself, observe your resistance, and then, anyway, move on.

The nonverbal cues

Often our actions reveal our resistance. For example:

• Change topic. Leave the room. Go to the toilet. To be late. Stomach Decomposition.
• Defer the decision, either:
• Doing something else. Working. Wasting time.
• Looking away or looking out the window. Browse a magazine. Refuse to attend. Eat, drink or smoke. Build or break a relationship.
• Spoil something: the car, an appliance, a tap, whatever.

Assumptions

We often assume things that help us justify our resistance, saying, for example:

• In any case, it won't help.
• My husband (or my wife) will not understand.
• I would have to change my whole personality.
• Only the nuts are going to see a therapist.
• I could not do anything with my problem.
• They could not handle my aggressiveness.
• My case is different.
• I don't want them to worry.
• It will be solved alone.
• That nobody does.

The beliefs

We grow with beliefs that feed our resistance to change. Some of the ideas that limit us are:

• It is not done.
• It is not good.
• It's not right for me to do that.
• That would not be spiritual.
• If one is on the spiritual path, one does not get angry.
• Men (or women) do not do that.
• In my family it is not done.
• Love is not for me.
• That is no more than nonsense.
• It is too far to go with the car.
• It represents too much work.
• It is too expensive.
• It will take too long.
• I do not believe in those things.
• I am not that kind of person.

They

We give our power to others and put them as an excuse for our resistance to change. So, we think and say things like these:

• God will not allow it.
• I am waiting to have a good planetary configuration.
• The environment is not adequate.
• They won't let me change.
• I don't have the teacher (or the book or the tools ) that I need.
• The doctor doesn't let me.
• My work does not leave me time.
• I do not want to fall under its influence.
• It's all the fault of
• He (or she) has to change first.
• I will do it as soon as I get
• They do not understand me.
• I do not want to be offended.
• My religion (or my education or my philosophy) does not allow it.

The concepts about oneself

We use the ideas we have about ourselves as limiting conditions or as resistance to change. We usually say that we are:

• Too old.
• Too young.
• Too fat
• Too thin.
• Too tall.
• Too low.
• Too lazy.
• Too strong
• Too weak.
• Too dumb.
• Too ready.
• Too poor.
• Too insignificant.
• Too frivolous.
• Too serious.
• Too cocky.
• Maybe all this is too much.

Dilatory tactics

Our resistance to change is often expressed in this way. We use excuses like:

I will do it later.

• I can't now.
• I do not have time now.
• I would steal too much time from my job.
• Yes that is a good idea.
• I will ever do it.
• I have too many things to do.
• I will think about it tomorrow.
• I will do it as soon as I finish with ...
• I will do it when I return from the trip.
• It is not the best moment.
• It is too late, or too soon.

The negation

This form of resistance manifests itself by denying the need to make any changes, with expressions such as:

• If nothing happens to me.
• It is a problem that I cannot remedy.
• Last time was fine.
• And what would it do to change?
• Maybe the problem goes away if I ignore it.

The fear

The broadest category of resistance to change is, by far, fear ... fear of the unknown. Look at these examples:

• I'm not ready yet.
• What if it failed?
• Maybe they reject me.
• What would the neighbors think?
• I don't want to uncover that pot.
• I am afraid to tell my husband (or my wife).
• I don't know enough.
• It could hurt me.
• For that I would have to change.
• It would cost me money.
• Before that I die (or divorce).
• I don't want anyone to know that I have a problem.
• I am afraid to express my feelings.
• I do not want to talk about that.
• I don't have enough energy.
• Who knows where we would go.
• I can lose freedom.
• It is too hard to do.
• At this moment I have no money.
• It could hurt my back.
• I do not want to be perfect.
• I could lose friends.
• I don't trust anyone.
• That would damage my image.
• I’m useless.

And we could continue with the list indefinitely. Do you recognize any of these statements as yours? Now, look at the resistance to change that appears in these examples.

A client came to see me because she suffered severe pain. He had broken his back, neck and knee in two car accidents. He was late because he got lost and then he found a traffic jam.

He had no difficulty telling me all his difficulties, but as soon as I tried to speak for a moment, the problems began. The contact lenses began to bother him, it occurred to him to change his seat, he had to go to the sink, he needed to take off his contact lenses ... For the rest of the session I did not get him to attend me.

All of that was resistance: I wasn't prepared to be cured. I discovered that both her sister and her mother had also broken their backs twice.

Another client was an actor, pampering and street jumping, and otherwise excellent. He boasted how smart he was to fool others, especially institutions.

He knew how to get it all right, and yet it never went well at all. I was always without a hard, late at least a month in the rent, often without a phone. His clothes were pitiful, he worked very sporadically, he had pains everywhere and his love life was a disaster.

His theory was that he could not abandon his attitude until something good happened to him in life. Naturally, with what he gave, nothing good could happen to him. First I had to stop cheating.

His resistance was because he was not prepared to give up his old way of being.

Leave your friends alone.

It often happens that, instead of dealing with our own changes, we decide that it is our friends who have to change. This is resistance to change.

When I started working I had a client who sent me to see all her friends who were in the hospital. Instead of sending flowers, he made me go to remedy his problems. I arrived, provided with my recorder, and I almost always met someone who was in bed and did not know why I appeared there, nor did I understand what I was doing. That was before I learned to never work with anyone who hadn't asked me to.

There are customers who come to see me because a friend has paid them a gift session. Generally, this does not work, and it is rare for them to return to continue working.

When something has given us a good result, it is normal that we want to share it. But others are probably not ready to change at that precise time and circumstance. It's hard enough to change when we want to do it, but trying to change someone else when they don't want to is impossible, and can ruin a good friendship.

I push my clients because they have searched for me, but I leave my friends alone.

Work with the mirror

Mirrors give us back the image of what we feel for ourselves, showing us clearly what we have to change if we want to have a rewarding and joyful life.

I ask my clients that every time they pass in front of a mirror they look into each other's eyes and say something positive about themselves. This is the most powerful way to make affirmations: look in the mirror and say them out loud. Immediately one realizes the resistance, and thus can overcome it more quickly. It will be good if you have a mirror at hand while reading this book; Use it frequently for affirmations, and to verify when you resist, or when you have a loose and open attitude.

Now, look in the mirror and say: "I am willing to change."

How do you feel? If you hesitate, resist or just don't want to change, ask yourself why. What ancient belief are you clinging to? This is no time to quarrel. Just notice what is happening to you, and what belief emerges from the surface, because it is what has been causing you so many problems. Can you recognize where it comes from?

When making statements sound false to us or it seems that nothing happens, it is very easy to say that they do not work. But it's not that they don't work, but we need to take a preliminary step before starting with them.

Repeated guidelines show us our needs

For every habit we have, for every experience we reiterate on several occasions, for every pattern we repeat, there is a need within us that corresponds to some belief. If there was no need, we would not or would not be that. Inside of us there is something that needs to be fat, have bad relationships, fail, smoke, get angry, be poor, feel humiliated or whatever our problem is.

How many times have we said that we will never do that again? And before the end of the day we have crammed ourselves with chocolate, we have smoked a pack of cigarettes, we have said something hurtful to a loved one… And on top of that we complicate the problem by getting angry with ourselves: “You have no willpower or discipline. What a weakness of character! ” Expressions like that do nothing but increase our already heavy burden of guilt.

That has nothing to do with discipline or willpower.

It does not matter that we are trying to free ourselves: it is only a symptom, an external effect. Endeavoring to eliminate the symptom without any attempt to dissolve the cause, it is of no use; at the moment when willpower or discipline loosen, the symptom reappears.

The willingness to give up the need

"In you there must be a need for this symptom, " I tell my clients, "because if not, I wouldn't have it." We will go back one step to work with your willingness to give up the need. When it has disappeared, you will no longer want to smoke, or overeat or carry out any other negative pattern.

One of the first statements I use is: "I am willing to give up my need for resistance (or headache, constipation, extra pounds, shortage of money or whatever)." Say "I am willing to give up my need for ...". If you find resistance at this point, then your other statements cannot work.

It is necessary to unravel the cobwebs in which we wrap ourselves. If you have ever had to untangle a ball of yarn, you know that by pulling on one side and on the other you can only make things worse. It is necessary to undo the knots very gently and patiently. Be gentle and patient with yourself to untangle your own mental knots. Seek help if you need it, but, above all, cultivate love while doing it. The willingness to free yourself from the old is the key; There is the secret.

When I talk about "needing the problem", I mean that, according to our joint staff of mental models, "we need" to have certain experiences or obtain certain external effects. Each external effect is the natural expression of an internal mental model. Fighting only the effect or symptom is a waste of energy, which often only aggravates the problem.

Feeling "unworthy" causes indecision

If one of my mental models tells me that I am "unworthy, " it is likely that one of the effects I get is indecision. After all, indecision is a way of preventing us from getting where we say we want to go. Most people who postpone their decisions spend a lot of time and waste a lot of energy reproaching their indecision. They call themselves idlers and, in general, insist on feeling that they are "bad" beings.

Resentment for the good of others

I had a client who loved being aware of him, and was generally late for class to get attention. He had been the youngest of eighteen children, and when it came to receiving he was the last on the list. As a child, he was always watching how his brothers received whatever he was while he anxiously waited for his turn, and as an adult, when someone was doing well, he was not able to share his joy.

"Oh, I wish I could have (or do) the same, " he said instead.

His resentment for the good of others was a barrier to his growth and his possibility of change.

The feeling of self-worth opens many doors

A seventy-nine-year-old woman came to see me, who taught singing. Several of his students were making advertisements for television. She also wanted to do them, but she was afraid. I supported her without the slightest reservation, explaining:

"There is no one like you." Just be yourself. Do it as fun. In the world there are people looking for exactly what you can offer. Let them know about your existence.

The woman called vain agencies, saying:

"I am a very old person, and I want to make announcements."

Soon it appeared in an advertisement, and since then he has never lacked work. I often see his image on television and in magazines. Any age is good to start a career, especially when it is done for fun.

With self-criticism never hits the mark

Self-criticism is something that only serves to intensify indecision and laziness. The orientation to be given to mental energy is to free oneself from the old and create new mental models. Say: “I am willing to give up the need to not be worthy. I am worthy of the best there is in life, and with love I allow myself to accept it. ” “As I spend a few days repeating this statement, the external effect that is indecision will begin, automatically disappear.” “As I internally create a model that recognizes my own value, I will no longer need to deny my good conditions. "

You can apply this same attitude to any other negative pattern (with its corresponding external effect) in your life. Let's stop wasting time and energy reprimanding ourselves for something we can't stop doing if we have certain beliefs intimately. Let's change those beliefs.

It doesn't matter how you approach it, nor what the topic we are talking about is: we deal only with ideas, and ideas can be changed.

If we want to change something, we need to say it: "I am willing to give up the internal mental model that is causing this."

You can tell him and repeat it over and over again, as long as he remembers his illness or his problem. At the moment he says it, he is leaving the group of victims and ceasing to be powerless, because he is recognizing his own power. He is saying that he begins to understand that it was you who created that, and that he will regain his own power by renouncing that ancient idea and separating from it.

Self-criticism

I have a client who is able to eat half a kilo of butter and anything else she can use when she can't stand her own negative thoughts. The next day she is furious with her body, because she is fat. As a child, she turned the table when the family had finished dinner, finishing what was left on each plate, accompanying it with butter. His parents laughed: that seemed very funny. You can almost say that it was the only approval my client received from her family.

When you scold yourself, when you humble yourself, when you "beat up" yourself, ask yourself who you are treating that way.

Almost all of our programming, both negative and positive, is something we accept at the time we were three years old. From then on, our experiences are based on what we accepted and believed at that time about ourselves and life. The way they treated us when we were very young is usually the way we treat each other now. The person to whom you are quarreling is a three-year-old child inside.

If you are one of those people who are angry with themselves because they are fearful and faint hearted, think you are three years old. If I had a three-year-old boy who was afraid, what would he do? Would he get mad at him, or would he extend his arms and comfort him until he felt comfortable and safe? Maybe the adults around you when you were little didn't know how to comfort you then. Now you are the adult in your life, and if you don't know how to comfort the creature inside you, it really is something very sad.

What was done in the past is done; the past past. But this moment is the present, and now you have the opportunity to treat yourself as you wish to be treated. A scared child needs to be comforted, not reprimanded. If you rebuke yourself, you will be more frightened, and you will not find who to come back to. When the child inside feels insecure, it creates a lot of problems. Remember how he felt when he was humiliated as a child? Well, in the same way that child feels inside.

Be kind to yourself. Start loving each other and showing approval. It is what that creature needs to express its full potential.

In the infinity of life, where I am, everything is perfect, complete and whole.

All the resistance that I carry within me, I see only as something to which I must give up.

They have no power over me, because the power in my world is me.

As best I can, I adapt to the changes that occur in my life.

I approve and approve of the way I am changing.

I am doing everything I can, and every day is easier.

With joy I follow the eternal rhythm and creep of the changes in my life.

Today is a wonderful day, because I decide to do so.

Everything is fine in my world.

Excerpt from the book: You can heal your life by Louise Hay
Chapter. 6. Resistance to change

You can heal your life: Louise's resistance to change