Born in Germany in 1925, he studied Philosophy, Theology and Pedagogy. For 16 years he worked as a missionary for a Catholic order in South Africa. He later graduated as a psychoanalyst and through Group Dynamics, Primary Therapy, Transactional Analysis and various methods of Hypnotherapy came to develop his own systemic and family therapy. His method of configuring Family Constellations focused directly towards the solution earned him recognition as one of the key therapists in the current psychotherapeutic world.
How do you determine if there is disease in a family?
Through the Family Constellations it has been revealed that many of the diseases are related to some event that occurred in the family. Namely, when in a family there was a disorder because the family as a whole behaves as if it depended on a soul, and it follows an order. When there is a deviation from that order, one departs and there is often someone in the family who becomes ill.
The first order that governs this soul and this one as that forces that it is really fulfilled, is that each member of the family has the same right to belong, that is, if someone of that family is denied the right to belong, is excluded, then the soul tries to re-establish that order.
And then now, what are the facts so common that someone in the family is excluded, who is often excluded from the family?
For example, previous couples of parents or grandparents. That is, if the man or woman separates from a previous partner it means that they exclude that person from their soul, it is like being angry with him, reproaching him or blaming or prosecuting him.
So what happens in the family? When the man or woman returns to find a new partner, and if with that couple they have a child, then that child will represent the previous couple under the influence of that big soul and in that way that big soul will try to order the disorder and That process is inevitable. Neither the parents nor the son know about that process that is taking place. Everyone is exposed to the influence of that big soul and then sometimes it happens that this child becomes ill with a disease similar to that of that previous partner or for example he could want to commit suicide just as the previous couple wanted to do and later behaves similar to the previous couple.
That is, he joins that ex-partner making a similar relationship to the one the father or mother had with that person; that is, in that relationship then things similar to those that happened with the previous partners occur.
Can this situation be resolved or should it be allowed to pass and end up healing in that way?
It is possible to solve it if one knows, if one knows the order and if one recognizes that order, that is, if the man and the woman and later when that child once an adult. If they know about the order it is possible to order the disorder; for example honoring that previous couple; For example, if the man tells his previous wife: 'I have not been well, I have loved you very much and it hurts that we are separated' and sometimes then that man or that woman likes to tell them a story:
'A man and a woman undertake a path together. Each one carries a well-loaded backpack with good things. Together they walk through flowery gardens, mature fields, have and feel joy, and from time to time take a seat, open their backpacks and share what they have brought. After a while that road goes uphill and one of them feels difficulties, the backpacks are lighter, but one of them sits down to rest while the other continues to climb that slope. When he reaches the top he sits exhausted and looks down. In the distance he sees his partner remember how beautiful he was and begins to cry ... '
The determination is very clear of the couple looking down or rather backwards. Now the responsibility of bringing all that experience to your new relationship or your child precisely, to your new family is like something very difficult to understand. It seems that children are 'victims' of our parents' relationship errors.
Now let's go back to history once more ... When crying that person takes the other one back in his heart and with that he has solved something.
Suppose this story is about a man and he realizes that his daughter behaves similarly to that of his previous partner, then he says: 'I loved her very much and she has a place in my heart'. In this way the daughter feels unloaded, light and then that daughter can now look at the mother and she will no longer be like a rival of the mother as she was before and says: 'Dear mom, you are the right one for me' . And so order has been restored.
Here it is shown that order is always love and love understood in this special way, that each person finds a place in the heart, is a comprehensive love.
And now I refer again to that other question, my experience tells me that when a couple separates there are no guilty parties because no one is free to behave differently than the one they are behaving because each one is linked to their family of origin.
Since there is a disorder in the family of origin, it is like that family attracts it, it takes it back trying to order something, even though that can never be achieved. With love, his family of origin calls him and suddenly loses that couple's eyes, he escapes. For example, he behaves like a previous partner of his parents without knowing it and then the relationship separates that by what is implied, neither a person nor the other is free. Then the destinies of the family of origin become the destinies of that relationship and none of them can avoid it, change it even if they wanted to.
Who has more weight in such a situation? There are two families of origin, one of them could have a more difficult history than the other.
Couples unite not only because their members love each other as a man and a woman, it is not only the man who looks at the woman, it is his whole family who looks at her and sometimes that family places a hope on that man's wife and the family of the woman, so that through that union an order is achieved and they don't realize it. I want to mention an important observation, when a man and a woman are completely in love with each other, do they see each other? No. And what do they want? Now what I'm going to say is difficult to digest: both want to die and that because of an implication in their family of origin.
What kind of implication in the family of origin that unconsciously creates that feeling?
I return to the family of origin. Suppose that in the family of origin someone was excluded, for example an aborted child; This is a total exclusion, but that child remains in the great soul of the family remains and there has its place.
What happens in such a family? Often the mother wants to follow that son also to atone for, she wants to follow that son in death and that the other children perceive him and then one of them tells him: I go in your place and that is a very common dynamic behind diseases. Many diseases occur because one of the children says: I do it in your place . In the majority of the times that is expressed to the mother, often also the father, but there are also other contexts. And now that son later falls in love completely and maybe the same happens to the other and then they die together. That is to say, that they die, is a death as if by love. For example, Tristan and Isolde is a love that cannot live, a love like that, total, is as opposed to life, leads to death.
This is an extreme case, but often one of the members of the couple wants to return to their family of origin, or for example, they leave because one of the parents is the same age as this couple and nobody notices.
I will give an example: Once I was in the US in Chicago in a course as a guest therapist and a participant arrived and said: I am now separating from my husband ; I had just been with the lawyer to start the whole process, but until that moment I had been happily married and had two children. Many of the group wanted to convince her otherwise, they thought that by giving her good advice they could help her, but good advice never works, so she asked him: How old are you? ?
And he answered: 35.
What happened to her mom when she was 35 years old?
He lost her husband, he died in an aircraft carrier when he was saving other people in a fire.
Then I said: A good girl who prides herself as such within your family loses her husband at age 35, sometimes it does.
Knowing this concept through this talk, I thought if we as children see who we get sick or what are our ailments, can we establish order, or are our parents who have to do it?
The parents have to do it, but maybe as an adult, one can do it.
A simple example: Recently a woman was in one of the courses told me: My son does not know how to speak well, he always swallows the last syllables.
Then I asked him: Is there anyone missing among you?
No, he replied.
What happened in the family? He asked again.
My dad was in the Foreign Legion and was fighting in Algeria. What does a person in the Foreign Legion who is fighting do? Kill others
Then he set up the daddy and in front of him he asked that representatives of the dead lie down, including a woman too, and she raised her arms to that woman's husband and he in the constellation he went down to her, he leaned down and they both hugged each other tightly.
Then he asked: Is there also a son? It was obvious.
Then he answered: YES something heard. It was probably a woman daughter.
Then he added the daughter and also a representative for that woman's son and he immediately went to the child and they hugged tightly.
Then I said: Yes, she was the final missing syllable.
The son's representative said: As soon as they put it on her my tongue was released.
I was thinking if the disorder is always a constant tendency, let's say an order is established and again it is like an energy where the disorder re-enters.
All relationships struggle with the issue of disorder in many ways. And where is the disorder occurring in a special way?
Where you feel more, where you put yourself above others, especially if you feel morally better than others. Everyone who feels morally superior or better is like prosecuting, judging another and excluding him from his heart and that shows that the love that serves life is different, is beyond the differentiation between good and evil. And now if a couple looks at each other, the man looks at the woman and the woman looks at the man and each one says to the other: 'Yes, I agree with you as you are, just as you are I love you'. What happiness all of a sudden, neither tries to change the other both remain down, common and thus love each other and are healthy.
Is there that kind of acceptance of the other?
If people go to constellations enough they will learn it.
There would be the secret ...
That is a secret, yes, but not only because one goes to a constellation. Family Constellations bring these orders to light and when this expands and people know how to deal with the subject, the easier it becomes. Do you want me to give you another example?
I love!
A woman sent me a letter, I had never gone to a Family Constellation, I had only read my book 'Orders of love' and then suddenly she realized that there were excluded people in her family and she was worried about her daughter. The daughter had cut off all kinds of contact with her for many years, then she realized that there were two people who had been specifically excluded: her husband's first wife and her husband's father, her father-in-law.
Then at night she lights a candle in memory of her husband's first wife and remembered her with love, bowed to her, bowed and said: 'I give you my honor'. The next day she did the same, lit a candle she imagined her husband's dad, bowed to him and said: 'I honor you.'
The next day the daughter called: 'Mom, I'm going there' that's order, very easy, very simple.
Although before he said that it was love that established order. Is there any other feeling capable of improving relationships?
It is always love, but not that love that many imagine.
Some love exclusively, that is, they exclude others from that love and that has serious consequences. And who is the one who is excluded from love in the first place? Although it sounds very strange is the mother, the person who has excluded the mother, can not love any other person, nor her partner, nor the children themselves. And then where does great love begin? With Mother.
And when that person says he loves what he feels if he is not love?
When he tells the couple 'I love you' he doesn't even see it. In the couple seeks to replace the mother who denies, in the couple puts the same hopes as for the mother, the expectations, that is how the couple is over-demanded and that relationship is going to separate.
In most people there is a certain degree of conflict with parents, would this imply that relationships in general would not be well formed?
That is to say, from where we begin to establish a new order, if it is possible, when we have already lived a disorder that we inherit, we live it and we delegate it to my children. How is order restored when it belongs to so many generations?
One cannot work love towards the mother. This is a spiritual love first and arises from a recognition of the mother in a spiritual way. Then there are very strange concepts about the mother and in that sense of course also towards the parents, many say my mom or dad as if they belonged to them. There is no mother belonging to the son, the son belongs to the mother and no father belongs to the son, the son belongs to the father. And how can we have that mother and father? They are a gift and in a way that they are determined for us, just as they are. Just as they are for us they are a gift from God, if you allow me to say so because where does that really come from we don't know. Each of us has a sense, a determination and a special destiny, that cannot be chosen, it is determined from another place and that is determined by the parents given to us. That is, when I look at my mom I look beyond her, looking at something bigger and then at that I say: 'Yes, as it is, my mother and as you are I love you' do you immediately notice the difference no? That is another level and does not have any type of requirement, without any reproach and is profound. And when I look at my mother like this, what happens to her? Open your heart
Recently I had a radio broadcast in Poland, quite long, the subject was: What makes people happy? We had two 45-minute meetings and some invited parents to listen to that program together and then several of them sent letters to the radio: 'When our parents heard that they started crying!' That is what they had always wanted to hear.
This is the second time I have the opportunity to chat with you and one of the important things I learned is that the mother of a person is decisive in life, is the most important character of all. It is right?
Yes, by far, and where the relationship with the mother is established, all other relationships also occur. The person who loves his mother is immediately noticed, his face is radiant and other people love that person and he loves his job and also finds work and always has money. He who has no money has no mother, is separated from the mother, he who has no work is separated from the mother, he who has no partner is separated from the mother, so where does happiness begin and where does health begin? With our mother ...
Interview conducted in July 2006
by M. Magazian
