Table of Contents hide 1 Part 1 - Unloading Anger Near Others 1.1 October 6, 2003 2 Part 2 - Expressing Personal Anger 3 Part 3 - Apologizing for Serving 4 Managing Anger Multidimensionally - By Jelaila Starr

Part 1 - Unloading Anger Near Others

October 6, 2003

Have you ever been close to someone who is expressing anger? It's awkward right? And also painful. ¡Ayyy! Anger is an emotion of fiercely fiery, explosive and volatile nature; It is not an easy emotion to handle. Learning to express it properly is like learning to handle dynamite. A false movement and we can emotionally annihilate someone, inflicting great pain and suffering. For several years I have sought to understand anger, how to use it and how to express it. This article is about a discovery I made recently, related to the expression or discharge of anger; A multidimensional discovery.

I was in the kitchen washing breakfast dishes, when my husband came in furious and flushed. I was there with my hands in the water, silently observing my body's response. As he screamed and cursed at the malfunction of his computer, the muscles in my back began to tense trying to protect me from the fierce energy cloud floating towards me. My inner child screamed "Run!" While the cloud burned the outer deck of my Aural Field. Even when I can empathize with his pain, it makes me feel irritated, used and forced. I try to tell myself that it is okay to support him, that it is good to express anger and pain. After all, we have an agreement to admit that the other expresses his anger without fear of being despised, that the other makes him feel wrong, that he corrects him or that he does not pay attention to him. The only thing he is doing is exercising the agreement; so: Why do I feel so upset when he expresses anger or anger near me, even when it has nothing to do with me? Why can't I hear it well, supporting it, as we agreed? That is the million dollar question.

After years of training in multidimensional beliefs and concepts, I have come to understand that the anger and pain that results from it are a normal part of any deep relationship, because it is a normal part of being Human. Additionally, I had learned that everything has a value, which means that anger has a value; In fact, many values. From a multidimensional perspective, anger used properly is valuable in several ways.

one-. Anger acts as a protection mechanism, as a kind of fire alarm. Our Inner Child uses it to warn us that we have been violated emotionally and / or physically, or that we will soon be.

2-. When we express anger, we show our Inner Child that we love him, because he has warned us of a possible danger; and we listen and respond. In essence, we do what we preach. With our action we show that we care enough to protect it.

3-. When expressed at the time, anger can be cathartic, cleaning the body of emotional / physical violation, so that it is not stored.

4-. When anger is expressed in a relationship to eliminate a violation, or our fear of one, we are sincere about our feelings; and consequently open and honest with our partner.

Well, I understand all that, but you still haven't answered my question why I find it so difficult to support people when they express anger in my presence. This has been a real aspect of discord between my husband and me. Now, Jonathan is wonderful in many ways; and not only because he is my husband, but because he can allow people to express anger in his presence; and be there with them, supporting them emotionally and physically until they finish. I admire him very much for being able to do that. His ability to listen and support them comes from the conditioning of his childhood. In his home he was not judged to whom he expressed anger. This provided him with a good position years later as a counselor for sick addicts, working in hospitals to help them free themselves from alcohol and drugs. It is surprising how much anger emerges when the medications to control it are gone.

By going through the process of discovering the root of my inability to be a good listener and feel the anger of the other, I have gained a lot of ground. First I thought it was due to the explosions of anger that my father had, explosions of fury of the kind that leaves the furniture destroyed and the walls bored ... and it's not a pun. His fury was unpredictable and terrified my brothers and me. But what he feared most was being blamed for being the cause of his anger; And many times I was. I grew up walking on the proverbial eggshells, always alert not to give my father any reason to get angry, which included monitoring my brothers' behavior. But when that failed, he did everything he could to stop his anger, including fixing the problem, reasoning with him (that makes no sense because one cannot reason with someone mad with anger); and take the blame if necessary. Because of this situation in our home life, I grew up with an unconscious conditioning to believe that whenever a person was upset my presence, even if it had nothing to do with me, somehow my responsibility was to stop that.

As I understood each time better, I realized that this conditioning of my childhood was only part of the reason; and found a way to change this programming. When others discharge their anger near me, but not towards me, I quickly go inside, hug my Inner Child and repeat softly: It has nothing to do with me, it has nothing to do with me. What to do with us. He is only expressing his pain; And that's fine. This technique seemed to work, but it did not eliminate the pain I felt at his expression; and then still feeling angry and resentful.

On an afternoon of a recent day we received the answer of the million dollar; and obviously, like most multidimensional responses, it had multiple layers, but it was completely complete. Jonathan and I had another of our pe peque as discussions about my ability to allow him to express his anger, when I said: Oh, I have it! I cannot allow you to express your anger because when you do it I remain with the anger you released; and the charge until when I can get rid of it and it hurts to load it! That's why I get furious, I feel like this while you're relieved and better. I didn't miss you getting mad at me. I didn't miss you that I can't be a good listener! I felt as if a great Light had come on that illuminated the darkness of ignorance in which I had been living all my life.

As we continued talking, we realized that I needed a way to release and eliminate the pain. I went inside to ask my Inner Child what I wanted to be able to eliminate anger and release pain. She replied: I want her to show that she appreciates my efforts to be a good listener. I want to be grateful for being willing to feel the anger that he releases and for charging it until it is eliminated. I want him to say that he is grateful because I am willing to provide this service; and that he understands that doing so is painful.

Well, that was very clear. So I replied: Jonathan, I want you to thank me for being a supportive listener. And I want you to help me eliminate the pain of your discharge from my body and my energy field. If you do, I will have no problem allowing you to express your anger in my presence. And not only will it be fine, but I will look for opportunities to give you this service as a way to show you my Love. So once you have finished your download, I would like you to say something like: Thanks for listening. I know that feeling my anger hurts you; and I appreciate that you are willing to listen to my download. Jonathan, you don't have to say exactly those words. Just talk from your heart and I will feel it.

Then, that Jonathan returned to free me from the pain he left me, was the final piece of the puzzle that I had been looking for. But there is another detail that I want to emphasize. Realize that when I asked my Inner Child what I needed to release the pain, she did not ask to be excused. Apologies would mean she was a victim; And I don't want to be. After all, the reason for embracing multidimensional concepts and beliefs is that they eliminate victimization, thus showing us how to think and live as empowered creator gods / goddesses. When through an agreement I have chosen to allow another, in this case Jonathan, to express anger in my presence, I am not a victim. But if he asks to be excused for the discharge, that implies that I am a victim, that I am not a complete and complete person, capable of processing the pain of anger. When that happens, it undermines the confidence in him that I was building through our download agreement. All I need to fulfill my part of the agreement is to be validated and appreciated for my role, so that I can eliminate anger from my field. I am not a victim of your pain when we have an agreement to express it.

On the other hand, if Jonathan asked to be excused, he would send his Inner Child the message that he was bad ... that expressing anger was wrong; and that consequently he is a bad person. This undermines their efforts to learn to use and properly express anger. It undermines your work to accept that anger is valuable and that it can be used as a tool for self-protection and healing. If there is an agreement between us to allow us to express anger near each other, then its discharge is not bad. You are simply using your right inherent in our download agreement. So discharging anger is not bad, only when we do not validate the pain we cause to the close person to whom we express ourselves; and then you cannot release it, even when there is an agreement to do so, it becomes a problem. If we remember to validate after expressing, we can express ourselves freely and find even more support when we do.

Back to my side of the agreement, if I invalidate your downloads trying to fix the problem, saying that you are wrong, judging it, not paying attention to it, or distancing yourself later, this undermines your trust in me and consequently in our relationship. And if I continue to do so, it will not take long for me not to be considered a reliable, complete person, because I continue to break the agreement. So you can see that this street is double track.

Now that I have explained how we discovered the final piece of the use of the "Download Agreement", let's recap to clarify how to establish it in a relationship and when it applies.

To allow downloads in your presence, you need a download agreement. Here is an example: We agree to allow the other to discharge his anger in our presence, without fear that we will make him feel wrong, that we will correct him or not pay attention to him. We agree that when one of us is the Listener (who receives the download), he will give support and have empathy. When one is the one who unloads, one agrees to express only the anger that is not directed at the Listener; and then thank you and show you appreciation.

Guidelines for Using This Agreement

* Who expresses himself does not direct his discharge towards the Listener. Example: I discharge my anger and frustration regarding an article, in the presence of Jonathan. I do not pretend to blame him for my frustration or my anger.

* The Listener agrees to listen to the download without making the person who downloads feel wrong, without trying to fix the situation or dismiss it. The Listener agrees to support those who download and have empathy with him. Example: When I am expressing my anger about the article, he listens and expresses empathy as in: "Yes, I can understand that you feel that way." Or: "Yes, I hear you ... this is really difficult."

* The person who downloads agrees that once he has finished expressing himself, he will thank the Listener and show a price for providing this loving service.

This brings me to the last discovery I made that day, the fifth value of anger:

5-. Expressing anger and then validating the pain it causes to the Listener, makes it possible to build trust between the members of a relationship, more quickly than with any other method. A bond can be strengthened and deepened much faster than if anger was never expressed.

This is a very bold statement. Ah? Let me explain it.

As I mentioned before, anger is a very volatile emotion that our society does not see with good eyes. We have been conditioned to judge wrathful and emotionally unstable people; and to think that they should be avoided. Why? Maybe it's because we have no idea how to process anger? It is a very painful energy that when it feels is like a burning blast or even worse. It really burns the outer layer of the Aural Field; and if it is powerful enough it can make a hole. And this is as traumatic as any wound. Not surprisingly, we dislike it!

As far as I know, our world does not teach us to express anger properly or use it as a tool for protection, healing and growth. Instead he teaches us to accumulate it or express it intellectually; neither is effective in removing anger from the body. When it builds up, anger creates emotional blockages that can wreak havoc on our lives, creating great emotional, mental and physical pain. We carry those blocks to future lives, until they are released. Even more, being such a powerful energy, when it accumulates it acts like a toxin that poisons the body and eats us alive as in the case of cancer. Anger accumulates in the organs, especially in the liver and gallbladder, either creating obesity, or if it accumulates in our intestines and colon, the inability to gain weight, making the person too thin.

We are conditioned not to have pain in our relationships; and then we believe that anger, one of the most powerful emotional forces we have and the one that can inflict the greatest pain, should not exist in a "healthy" relationship. But I allow myself to disagree. Based on the values ​​I described earlier, anger is not only healthy but also necessary as a way to heal violations (which will definitely occur since we are individuals with Free Will); and to be honest and stay emotionally up to date with our partners.

So my point of view is that we are so conditioned to fear anger and avoid it, that if we begin to use this tool in our relationships, the very act of using such a powerful force properly would create great confidence. We could express ourselves and heal ourselves; and then clean and heal the other. We could stay emotionally clean, without sweeping things under the carpet for fear of creating a scene. If every time Jonathan or I express anger near each other; then we return and validate the feelings so that the pain is released, we will increasingly trust each other and the trust will deepen. And not only trust, we would value each other even more, because we are being appreciated! What freedom! So you can say that anger can unite people; and through their use enable them to develop trust and love. Isn't that what we want in our relationships?

In conclusion, I am grateful for the role Jonathan has played in showing me how to allow another to discharge his anger near me and be a good listener. I am grateful for your willingness to continue expressing your anger near me, until I finally understood this very important part of anger management. I am also grateful for the multidimensional wisdom that I have acquired ... a level of consciousness that led me to solve a long and painful problem in my life. I hope this helps you the next time you download or have the opportunity to help someone do it.

I realize that this article refers only to one aspect of anger management, which allows impersonal anger to be expressed. The next article in this series will address the management of personalized anger; the anger that is being expressed towards you. But keep in mind that we are more likely to succeed working with the pain of personalized anger, if we have learned to work with impersonal anger before. So first put this agreement into practice in your relationships; And the next one will be much easier.

At your service,

Jelaila Starr

Nibiruan Council

Translated: Jairo Rodríguez R.

http://www.jairorodriguezr.com/

Part 2 - Expressing Personal Anger

October 23, 2003

In the first article of this anger management series, we explore the multidimensional option to express anger impersonally. Impersonal anger is what a person discharges or expresses near another who is not personally the cause of that anger. In this article we explore personalized anger, anger that a person discharges or expresses towards another; and that has to do with who listens.

It's four in the afternoon and I pass for the third time in front of the clock in our living room. It's time to go to my yoga class, but Jonathan has the car and hasn't returned yet. If I don't go out in the next few minutes, I'll be late. 5 minutes pass 10 minutes . Finally I hear him driving. I struggle with my anger to lose class, to feel that I am not important enough for him to be on time as we agreed. The list goes on. I struggle with how I will handle my anger and pain when he passes through the door.

As we have explained before, the discharge of anger is a difficult thing to handle. Anger is fiercely burning and can create trauma in the person over whom it is discharged, whether personal or not. There are those who would say that they should not have anger, much less express it. Our society opposes it and the New Age movement goes further by affirming that in order to be spiritual, we must somehow eliminate the anger of our Being. Anger cannot be eliminated from our Being. a protection response used by our Inner Child; and for our well-being it is as vital as Love. It is a tool that when used properly keeps us healthy. At some point we must make the decision to see it in a different light, to stop running away from it or to avoid it. We must work with her instead of against her. Once we do, we are ready to harness its power and use it for good. Yes, anger can be a positive thing. We just have to learn how to do it.

Fortunately Jonathan and I have agreements regarding anger management, in this case to handle personalized anger. And from painful experiences, I have learned to apply them when I am furious. Here is our agreement on personalized anger. I will take you step by step and show you how I applied them to the situation described.

Jonathan and I agreed to allow the other to express his anger to us, without fear that he would be despised, that the other would make us feel wrong, that he would correct us or that he would not pay attention to us. We agree that when one of us is furious with the other, you will listen to the download without neglecting the fury of the other and without defending yourself; and I will apologize when necessary. Once the angry part has been validated and has had time to calm down, she agrees to look for how she has been able to help create the situation that caused the anger; and take responsibility, apologizing when necessary.

Jonathan and I agreed to allow the other to express his anger, without fear of being despised, of the other making us feel wrong, of correcting us or of not paying attention to us.

When working with anger it is crucial to have an agreement that makes your expression safe. We unload the pain to get rid of it. We get rid of him because he is toxic. When we have had anger, the body (also known as the Inner Child) will naturally try to expel it because it knows that the energy of anger is harmful if it is not released. So when we express it, we need to know that in the process we will not be emotionally annihilated. One of the ways we do this when we listen is to despise the pain that causes anger: "Why are you making such a fuss about it?" Or telling him that he is wrong to have anger, as in: "I don't know why you are so furious about it ..." Or correcting it as in: "Well, tell me what you want me to do and I will do it." All these actions frustrate the download process and cause the wrathful to have to keep the anger and have to find another way to express it. And according to my experience, the longer one has to wait to discharge the anger, the worse it gets.

In relation to this issue, once Jonathan entered the house, I said: "Jonathan, I need to talk about something with you." He replied: "Okay." We sit and start.

We agree that when one of us is furious with the other, he will listen to the download and give value to the fury of the other, without defending himself; and will apologize when necessary.

This is a big one! One of the ways we avoid the release of anger is to defend ourselves. As soon as we say "But, " we have refused to hear the download. Why? Because we have appropriated your opportunity to download. To successfully release anger, those who discharge must be allowed to express themselves fully, focusing all their energy on getting rid of pain.

I started expressing my pain by saying: “I am really upset that I couldn't go to class today because you were late. I feel as if I were not important enough for you to arrive on time. Don't we remember the time you would return? ”

I consider this the most difficult part for the listener, because the listener, in this case Jonathan, usually has a good reason to be late; and if I only listened to her, I wouldn't be furious. What we have had to learn is that no matter what the truth is, at the moment when the angry person is expressing himself, the listener should not interrupt it, especially if he wants his part of the story to be heard. But being blamed hurts. It hurts when another projects his anger toward us, regardless of whether or not we are responsible for his pain; so it takes effort to learn to listen and validate, but the reward is well worth it. Once the wrath has been heard and validated, then it can already be a good listener and hear your part of the story, trying to understand why you acted as you did, with the intention of withdrawing any guilt.

Jonathan heard me express my pain and anger, projecting the pain triggered by my fear of not being important enough for him. He did not defend his actions, he listened to me and responded to my pain: “I can see why you are so hurt. I caused you to miss your class that is very important to you; sorry; and I am sorry to make you feel that you were not important enough for me to return on time. ” When I asked him about the agreement, he replied: "Yes, we agreed that and I recognized that I failed to comply."

When I was heard and my pain and my loss were recognized, in this case the class, I felt that I was heard and that my pain was validated. But before going into that, let me explain what we mean by validating. To validate is to respect the right of the angry person to have his anger. Jonathan validated my pain with the words he said about my pain, said he understood that the class was important to me and that because of his breach of the agreements, I lost the opportunity to attend. This is what we call pain talk. The best way to validate that I know is to put myself in that moment in the shoes of the offended person. In our situation, at that moment Jonathan put himself in my place. In doing so, I don't necessarily have to agree with my perspective, after all I didn't know all the facts yet; it just means that he has recognized my right to be furious based on my current perspective of the situation.

The validation produces something surprising, it makes possible the total discharge of the pain that causes anger, because it says: "He sees my point of view and recognizes my right to have it." In my experience, angry people are still furious because no one has validated them. So they go through life continuously downloading, hoping that someone will validate them so they can finally break free.

Here the most important point is that we can discharge the anger, letting out the steam; but the pain of that anger cannot be released until we have been validated, 1st being heard; and 2nd with a sincere apology that speaks to pain (we talk about the apologies in the following article). Giving value to the pain of an angry person allows him to let the pain go.

Once the angry person has been validated and has had time to calm down, he agrees to look at how he could have helped create the situation that caused the anger; and in taking responsibility, apologizing when necessary.

It is magical to witness the transformation that takes place when a person's anger has been validated. Already without the pain, my furious flushed face returned to normal, my heart rate decreased and I opened surprisingly to look at Jonathan's point of view on the subject. That was when he collected the reward from not trying to jump in his defense before validating my anger. Already without the pain, I could think clearly and look for a solution (Doesn't the pain sometimes drive you crazy?). I was ready to hear why I was late. I listened very carefully while he explained that there had been a traffic accident that stopped him, causing him to be late. I heard him explaining that he had spent watching the clock, worried about being late. In his words I could feel that he really tried to arrive on time, he cared that I arrived on time to class. And I could see that I presumed he didn't care. Now it's my turn to apologize. I said: “Dear, I am sorry to have presumed that you were late because you did not care. Now I realize that you did everything you could to arrive on time; and that you understood how important the class was to me. I realize you couldn't have foreseen the accident. ”

Making assumptions is the best way to ensure that there will be a number of conflicts, injuries and anger in your relationship. It is so natural to see the actions of others through the filter of our own perceptions, that it can be difficult to change this behavior. But it must be changed if we want to avoid unnecessary anger and create a sense of emotional security in our relationship. I presumed that it was not important enough for Jonathan to arrive on time, when the truth was that he did care and I was worried that his delay made me miss the class. As soon as he crossed the door, I let go! If I want to avoid conflicts, I must avoid making assumptions. That does not mean that I am not angry, it means that I am open to there being a good reason for your delay. In other words, I grant you the benefit of the doubt. So when he passes through the door, I will say, “Dear, it's good to be home. Is there a reason you were late? ”

Many times I discover that his intentions were not what I suspected; and vice versa. Most often, it is only a bad communication or a misunderstanding of their actions that leads me to presume something that in fact is not real. But I won't know, unless I first give him the benefit of the doubt. Of course it is harder to do when there are layers of anger that cover the Love that united us. This is another reason to handle anger when it arises.

Find and Own the Mirror

Finding the mirror is an expression we use to describe the process of discovering our part in the co-creation of the conflict that led to pain and anger. We cannot completely clean the pain of the event or learn to avoid the same response, even when we see how and why we use our power to create it. To achieve this we use the Compassion Formula. Finding and owning the mirror has nothing to do with valuing guilt or being right or wrong, it is the part where we go to a higher perspective to identify the belief that led to the creation of the event; and the fear that caused us to react as we did. Obviously the purpose is to change belief and integrate fear. We will always know how much we are controlled by a fear and its corresponding belief, by how intensely we react when someone triggers that fear.

Jonathan and I realized that in every conflict there is a mirror, a reflection of a belief and a fear we have; and that our partner is reflecting it towards us. In this conflict, the mirror for both involves the belief that we are not valuable enough. For my reaction, for my anger; y por saltar a la conclusión de que Jonathan no siente que yo sea suficientemente importante, puedo ver que no soy capaz de validar completamente mi autoestima; y necesito que Jonathan lo haga llegando a tiempo. El mensaje que leí en sus acciones fue: “No me valoras como para llegar a tiempo”. Aunque ése no era el caso; a él realmente le importaba llegar a tiempo, mi carencia de autoestima provocó que yo interpretara sus acciones de otra manera. Este conflicto me mostró otra área en la cual aún busco validación externa de mi autoestima. Y que mientras necesite a otros para validar mi valía, seré vulnerable en esta área. Con esta comprensión poseo el espejo, el reflejo de mi temor.

En Jonathan mis acciones dispararon su temor de ser inadecuado y cometer errores; y consecuentemente de ser indigno. Para él esto significa que ha sido imperfecto; y que consecuentemente ya no tiene el derecho de existir. Esto es perfeccionismo en acción; y yo disparé precisamente ese temor. Este conflicto le mostró a Jonathan otra área en la cual él aún cree que puede perder su derecho a existir por ser imperfecto y consecuentemente indigno. Sin importar cuánto se esfuerce por llegar a tiempo, pueden suceder cosas que lo detengan. Él ve que debe admitir estas cosas y darse cuenta de que cuando ocurren, mientras que él haga su mejor esfuerzo y sus intenciones sean buenas, estará bien. Y que el derecho de existir es inherente a todas las Almas. No se basa en desempeño ni en méritos. Ahora que él entiende que mi comportamiento estaba reflejando mi temor hacia él, puede poseer su espejo. Así que lo que descubrimos es que cocreamos este conflicto para trabajar en áreas en las cuales aún tenemos problemas de autoestima. Pero sin expresar nuestra ira, no lo habríamos descubierto.

Una vez que reconocemos los espejos, podemos pasar a la etapa final, la compasión. Siento gratitud y aprecio enormes hacia Jonathan por estar dispuesto a desempe ar este papel para mostrarme en d nde renuncio a na mi poder; y viceversa. Ambos nos damos cuenta de cu n afortunados somos de estar con una pareja que puede pasar por la ira; y este conocimiento, junto con la disposici na expresar la ira nos acerca m s, fortaleciendo nuestro mutuo v nculo de confianza.

Puntos Claves Para Recordar:

• La ira es una parte de ser Humano; y tiene un prop sito vital.
• La ira debe ser sacada del cuerpo para permanecer saludables.
• Para manejar apropiadamente la ira, en todas las relaciones necesitamos acuerdos al respecto.
• La validaci n es la clave para liberar al cuerpo de dolor de la ira.
• Una vez que nuestra ira es validada; y no antes, podemos abrirnos a ver el otro lado de un conflicto.
• Una vez que vemos el otro lado, para resolver el conflicto y restaurar el equilibrio debemos asumir nuestra parte en la cocreaci n del conflicto. Debemos ver el espejo.
• Una vez que vemos el espejo y lo asumimos, entramos en la compasi n, la gratitud y el aprecio por la oportunidad de purificar nuestro bagaje emocional y obtener el crecimiento lmico que primordialmente buscamos al encarnar. E igualmente importante es expresar aprecio y gratitud por la pareja, el amigo o el ser querido que est dispuesto a participar con nosotros en el aprendizaje.
• Para evitar conflictos, en lugar de sacar conclusiones apresuradas y hacer presunciones sobre las acciones del otro, d mosle el beneficio de la duda. Haz las preguntas necesarias para asegurarte de tener un motivo para estar molesto. Cuanto m s integremos nuestros temores, m sf cil ser .

Para cerrar, me doy cuenta de que este art culo no cubre todas las variadas situaciones que pueden ocurrir cuando estamos furiosos, pero espero que con el ejemplo de acuerdo de este art culo, as como con el del anterior; y con los pasos provistos, pod is desarrollar vuestros propios acuerdos para manejar la ira. Ahora que ya tenemos los dos principales acuerdos sobre la ira, en el siguiente art culo me referir a pedir disculpas, un paso vital para liberar la ira; cuya ejecuci n de manera que valide totalmente el dolor y la ira, permitiendo que sean totalmente liberados del cuerpo, a muchos de nosotros no nos la han ense ado. Cuando pedimos disculpas reales, no queda ira, resentimiento ni amargura, que puedan conducir a futuros conflictos.

Servidora,

Jelaila Starr

Consejo Nibiruano

Translated: Jairo Rodr guez R.

http://www.jairorodriguezr.com/

Parte 3 Dando Disculpas que Sirvan

Diciembre 1 de 2003; revisado en Septiembre 3 de 2007

En esta entrega final de la serie de manejo de la ira, damos una mirada a las disculpas yc mo darlas efectivamente para limpiar la ira y eliminar el dolor en cualquier conflicto.

Si eres como yo, has pasado muchos años de tu vida atorándote con las disculpas. Podría decir que cada vez que he pedido excusas, porque la persona a quien estaba dando disculpas me las tiró en la cara; o peor, insistió e insistió respecto a cómo la había herido yo, hasta que silenciosamente yo quería que se cayera muerta y me dejara en paz. Nunca entendí qué era lo que no funcionaba en mis disculpas. Me volví asustadiza al saber que cuando necesitaba dar disculpas probablemente me equivocaría y terminaría en un enredo. Eso me ponía furiosa y frustrada, por decir lo menos, pero también resuelta a encontrar la respuesta. Con el tiempo lo hice. Descubrí la perspectiva multidimensional de las disculpas. Desde esa perspectiva, encontré mi respuesta. Es innecesario decir que eso me complació mucho; y ya no volví a sentir esa aprensión cuando era necesario dar disculpas.

Demos una mirada a las disculpas comenzando con la versión tridimensional, la que nos han enseñado.

Las Disculpas Tridimensionales

El diccionario Webster define disculpa como: “admisión de la culpa y petición de perdón”. Aquí es donde comienza el problema porque las creencias que respaldan el concepto de las disculpas, son muy polarizadas y por lo tanto desequilibradas. Comenzando con la primera parte: “admisión de la culpa”; esto significa que cuando das disculpas, esencialmente estás diciendo que eres culpable. La culpa es una emoción diseñada para encubrir sentimientos de ser malo u oscuro. Cuando uno es malo, es lo mismo que decir que uno no merece vivir. Uno es indigno.

No te sorprendas de que la culpa sea una emoción tan difícil de manejar. Impacta en el núcleo mismo de nuestra Esencia, despojándonos del derecho a existir. ¿Entonces qué hacemos cuando damos una disculpa? Después de admitir la culpa, seguimos naturalmente con una declaración defensiva que intenta excusar nuestro comportamiento, para evitar ser malos. Cuando hacemos esto, invalidamos totalmente a la persona a quien le estamos dando disculpas. Aún más, la que se supone una sanación para ella, la convertimos en una sanación para nosotros. Esto hace que la otra persona se sienta robada. ¿Cuántas veces he hecho eso? ¡No es raro que quisieran darme una paliza!

Enredamos aún más las disculpas cuando esperamos que la persona a la que hemos herido se vuelva hacia nosotros y nos perdone. ¡Cielos! ¿Alguna vez se detendrá eso? El diccionario define perdonar como “excusar una falta o una ofensa”. Así que habiendo aceptado la responsabilidad de cometer la ofensa e infligir el dolor, volvemos la atención hacia nosotros mismos al esperar perdón de parte de quien ha sido herido. Primero defendemos nuestras acciones para evitar la culpa; y para completar esperamos que la persona perdone nuestra ofensa. ¿Acaso es sorprendente que las disculpas muy frecuentemente no funcionen? La mayor parte de ellas tienen que ver con nuestra propia sanación, no con la sanación de la persona a la que hemos herido.

Las Disculpas Multidimensionales

Una definición multidimensional de disculpa es: “el reconocimiento de la responsabilidad de infligir dolor y la completa validación de ese dolor”. Multidimensionalmente hablando, las disculpas tienen dos propósitos principales: 1-. Reconocer responsabilidad y 2-. Validar el dolor que uno ha infligido a otro oa otros para que pueda ser limpiado y sanada la herida que fue infligida. Daos cuenta de que ninguno de estos propósitos tiene nada que ver con asumir culpa ni con pedir perdón. Why? Desde la perspectiva multidimensional no hay razón para sentir culpa ni para pedir perdón, porque no hay bien ni mal, ni tampoco pecado. Todos somos Almas desempeñando roles para ayudarnos mutuamente a crecer, tal como lo dictan nuestros planes de evolución álmica. Y la evolución álmica proviene de integrar la Luz y la Oscuridad (el Juego de Integración de la Polaridad).

Validando el Dolor

Para hacer que una disculpa sea efectiva, debemos validar el dolor que hemos infligido. Validamos el dolor mostrando por medio de acciones y palabras, que podemos sentir lo que siente la otra persona. Eso significa que no solamente sentimos el dolor que hemos infligido a otro, sino que también comunicamos ese sentimiento a quien ha sido herido, de tal manera que sienta que lo entendemos. Ahora, es aquí donde comienza el problema. Sentir dolor es algo que hemos aprendido a evitar. Nos han enseñado que el dolor es malo y que está asociado con ser malo o culpable; y consecuentemente debería ser evitado a toda costa. Así que mientras adhiramos a esa creencia, evitaremos sentir cualquier dolor, nuestro o de otros. Mientras evitemos sentir el dolor, es imposible que validemos el dolor del otro, porque para validarlo sinceramente, debemos sentirlo nosotros mismos. Éste es el porqué la empatía es tan valorada. Significa sentir el dolor del otro.

Hablando al Dolor

En la validación del dolor cuando se da una disculpa hay una segunda parte que llamamos “Hablar al Dolor”. Hablar al dolor significa que comunicamos verbalmente esos sentimientos dolorosos a la persona que hemos herido, como una manera de reflejarlos hacia ella. Cuando le reflejamos esos sentimientos dolorosos, la persona puede sentir que realmente entendemos el dolor que le hemos infligido. Ése es el porqué no funcionan tantísimas disculpas. Las personas no se dan cuenta de la importancia que tiene reflejar el dolor expresándolo en palabras. ¿Pero por qué esto es tan importante y realmente crítico para el éxito de la sanación? Lo explicaré.

El Papel del Niño Interior

Cuando descubrí la perspectiva multidimensional de las disculpas, en ese cuerpo de sabiduría estaba inserto el conocimiento del papel que desempeña el Niño Interior. Desde la perspectiva multidimensional, el Niño Interior es la parte de nosotros responsable de manejar el dolor. El Niño Interior cree que es el cuerpo físico; y entonces siente que su deber es limitar la cantidad de dolor que sentimos conscientemente. Esto se basa en las instrucciones que hemos dado a nuestro Niño Interior respecto al límite que tenemos para sentir dolor. Cualquier cosa que sobrepase el límite es embutida en alguna parte del cuerpo. El Niño Interior conoce la localización exacta de nuestro dolor. El Niño Interior no puede liberar el dolor por sí mismo. Solamente el Yo, la parte consciente de ti que está leyendo este artículo, puede autorizarlo a dejar ir el dolor.

Cuando alguien habla a nuestro dolor con efectividad, esa descripción capacita a nuestro Niño Interior para encontrar la localización de ese dolor en nuestro cuerpo y limpiarlo. Una descripción clara y precisa solamente se puede dar si la persona que infligió el dolor puede sentirlo y luego expresártelo en palabras. Corresponde a tu Yo, a ti, asegurarte de obtener una descripción precisa, siendo honesto y permitiendo que la persona sepa exactamente cómo te hirieron sus acciones. Esperar que ella lo deduzca por sí misma es pedirle que lea tu mente; y eso es injusto. Una vez hecho eso, el Niño Interior limpia el dolor; y se restaura la armonía. He aquí un ejemplo: Recientemente Jonathan se puso furioso conmigo porque olvidé obtener un recibo de franqueo para el envío a casa de una mercancía, después de una conferencia. Sin el recibo, cuando llegaran las cajas él tendría que quitarles los adhesivos de correos; y luego ponerlas presentables para efectos fiscales. Teniendo que luchar constantemente con la fatiga por su alta presión arterial, este trabajo extra realmente lo disparó. Él siente que yo no entiendo cuán duro trabaja para mantener en orden nuestras finanzas. Me puse iracunda con él porque sentí que él no apreciaba mi trabajo en la conferencia; y así se lo dije, añadiendo palabras duras para enfatizar mi punto de vista. Es innecesario decir que sus sentimientos fueron heridos y también los míos.

Una vez que nos calmamos, pudimos pedirnos disculpas mutuamente. Primero debemos asumir la responsabilidad por habernos herido mutuamente. Luego debemos validar el dolor que hemos infligido, sintiéndolo y expresándolo al otro.

Disculpa tridimensional de Jonathan:

“Jelaila, siento haberme puesto furioso porque no obtuviste el recibo. Por favor perdóname. Solamente lo hice porque tengo que hacer esfuerzos para mantenerme equilibrado; y tener que hacer más trabajo, me agobia”.

El problema de esta disculpa es que aunque comenzó con buen pie, él invalidó totalmente mis sentimientos al defenderse. Esto hace que la disculpa tenga todo que ver con él en lugar de mí; y cuando eso sucede, sólo quiero darle una bofetada. Además, pedirme perdón me pone en la situación de aceptarlo aún antes de que se disculpe; y eso me provoca… bueno, no lo diré en este artículo.

Para dar una disculpa realmente efectiva, debemos aceptar la responsabilidad de haber infligido dolor; y sentir el dolor de la persona herida sin sentirnos mal por eso. En otras palabras, Jonathan puede sentir el dolor que yo estoy sintiendo (en este caso ser menospreciada); y sentirse triste pero no sentirse malo. De hecho, yo no necesito que él se sienta malo; solamente que sienta el mismo menosprecio que yo siento. Y no me sentiré validada hasta cuando sepa que él puede sentir lo que yo siento.

Disculpa Multidimensional de Jonathan:

“Jelaila, siento haberme puesto furioso por lo del recibo; y por hacer que sintieras que tu duro trabajo en la conferencia no significaba nada. Lo siento si hice que te sintieras menospreciada”.

¿Sientes la diferencia que hay entre estas dos disculpas? La primera nos hace poner furiosos, pero la segunda realmente podemos sentirla en el corazón… una liberación del dolor de ser menospreciada. Ésta me hace sentir apreciada y feliz al mismo tiempo.

El Beneficio Inesperado de Dar una Disculpa Multidimensional

Ya que Jonathan validó mi dolor, ahora puedo volverme y validar el suyo. Puedo darle disculpas por hacerlo sentir abrumado y molesto. Aquí está mi disculpa: “Jonathan, siento no haber conseguido el recibo. Me disculpo por hacerte sentir agobiado. Yo s que trabajas muy duro para mantener bien nuestras finanzas, incluso cuando est s enfermo. Aprecio mucho todo lo que haces .

Ahora puedo sentir c mo se siente l, porque ya no estoy luchando con los sentimientos de ser menospreciada. Una vez que uno recibe validaci n, puede volverse y validar a su pareja. Esta ltima parte es la que vuelve a equilibrar la relaci ny permite que siga fluyendo el Amor.

En pocas palabras, la raz n por la cual no podemos dar buenas disculpas que funcionen, es porque no queremos sentir el dolor que hemos infligido. Y no queremos sentir el dolor porque no tenemos manera de procesarlo. Abrazar un nivel superior de comprensi n, como la perspectiva multidimensional, nos puede liberar de la culpa y capacitarnos para dar buenas disculpas, eliminando la ira y otras formas de dolor.

En conclusi n, cuando aprendemos a aceptar el dolor y luego procesarlo; y despu s validarlo, realmente podemos dar disculpas buenas y efectivas que eliminen la ira y la tristeza, el sentimiento de ser indigno, restaurando el Amor y construyendo confianza en nuestras relaciones. Esencialmente, sanando la herida emocional infligida. Cada vez que debo dar una disculpa, agradezco a mis gu as esta poderosa sabidur a compasiva. Tambi n me siento aliviada porque ahora que s que no hay pecado y que desempe ar el papel oscuro nos ayuda a crecer a todos, puedo sentirme bien estando equivocada y cometiendo errores. Qu libertad!

Vuestra servidora,

Jelaila Starr

Consejo Nibiruano

Translated: Jairo Rodr guez R.

http://www.jairorodriguezr.com/

Manejando la Ira de Manera Multidimensional Por Jelaila Starr