When some of our feelings, desires or intentions embarrass us or we are unable to explain it, we often attribute it to others. We are projecting a problem of ours that we refuse to see. By realizing, we have the opportunity to improve the relationship with others, and above all, with ourselves.
Paola came somewhat restless to the park where she had stayed with Carolina. It was a sunny October afternoon and they had decided to take a walk taking advantage of the mild autumn weather.
- Hello Caroline!. Paola greeted.
- Hi Paola, how timely have you arrived ... How are you doing the week?
- Good, but it could be better, believe me. Today I had a fatal day at work, I'm very tired, always the same!
- Why? What happens?
- Do you remember that I told you about Marta, my co-worker? Well, I'm fed up!
- But what has he done to you? Ah, but first, you'll see take out your notebook and take note of everything you say about it. It will help us to do a very interesting exercise!
Paola took out her notebook and began writing down everything she could think of about her partner.
- Well, I have to do the work that she does not do, it is vague - Paola continued - she is always escaping. He leaves everything for the last moment, and of course, in the end it is I who have to embarrass with his own.
- It won't be that bad, right?
- Well, for me yes. She is late, always has some excuse for not doing her job, there is no one who understands her. I would have to be grateful for having the one that has, which is not bad, really. It is a privileged one. He lacks motivation and dedication.
- Don't you think you're projecting, Paola?
- And what is that?.
- Look, we all have a tendency to project on the other attitudes that are really ours. We see in others what we are ourselves.
- Of that nothing !. I work hard at work, I am always aware of everything, even what is not mine. I don't do what Marta does. Moreover, I have a reputation for the opposite- Paola replied somewhat altered.
- Well, let me continue, do you think? - Carolina interrupted him amused by the reaction - the fact that this reaction causes you is a sign that what you perceive in Marta is also yours, if it were not it would not cause you any emotional effect.
What each one perceives of the physical world is a reflection of its interior, it is an image that returns us exactly as we are. That is why the same situation is perceived differently by whoever experiences it.
- But I insist that I am not like her!
- You'll see how partly yes. One of the characteristics of projecting on others is that you perceive that others do exactly what you do to yourself. In this case, a part of you is lazy, like Marta. Repeat aloud the same thing you have written about it but in the first person, with the self in front.
I AM LIKE ME AND ALSO LIKE YOU
- “I am lazy, someone has to do my job because I escape. I leave everything to the end and they have to do it for me. I'm late and I always have an excuse for not doing my job. There is no one who understands me, I should be grateful to have it, which is not bad, really. I am a privileged person who lacks motivation and dedication- Paola said of herself.
- Tell me Paola, is there in any facet of your life where you act like this? - Carolina asked.
-While I said it, it sounds a lot like what my mother tells me about the housework; Come on, it's almost the same! Well thought, it is true that for other types of jobs I am lazy, and not only because of what my mother says. I also find it hard to play sports, and I know it's good for my health, but I'm so lazy!
- And why does housework cost you so much?
- Well, because I'm bored, I'm late from work, I'm tired. Well I really don't like to take care of the house, although I know I should collaborate more.
- Don't you think you have the same lack of motivation that Marta has in the office?
- Already, but there are many of us working and if she does not do her job we suffer.
- And if you don't do your part of the housework the one who suffers is your mother, don't you think?
- Well, it's true - Paola replied. It seems to me that what I have said has left me in evidence!
- Instead of working with pleasure in your home, enjoy keeping it tidy and clean, you get discouraged and leave it thinning the environment with your mother; You do the same as Marta in the office. You abuse your mother and her time in the same way that Marta abuses you. You do not value your mother's work in the same way that Marta does not value yours. Do you think that is fair?
- No, neither one thing nor the other. It is true. But I don't know how to get out of this!
A QUESTION OF ATTITUDE
- The fact is that you have a very good work attitude in the office, but not at home, and it can't be. It is something that you have to work, just as Maria has to improve her attitude at work. What would you recommend Marta to do in the office? What would she have to do to be happy with her? Write everything you would say ...
- Well, I would tell him to have more courage in his work, to be motivated, to be more creative. I would have to arrive with much more desire to work, thinking about how to help me instead of how to escape. The environment would improve a lot, we would be a team. But above all I would tell you that, since you have to do it, learn to enjoy it. You can enjoy the obligations, but you have to give up the excuses.
- Well, apply the story! You have to do at home the same thing that you recommend to Marta.
- Only if you become an example and overcome your own laziness can you help Marta overcome her own. The same motivation you apply in the work of the office can be applied to the home. Do you understand now what it is to project yourself in others?
- I understand. I think I have a lot of work! Well, at least now I understand her better. Before I only saw my part, now I can understand that the same thing happens to her….
- What it is about is that you focus on overcoming your own pattern. When you modify the internal attitude, the magic of projection is that the exterior will give you the image of your new motivated and hardworking Paola. It may happen that Marta starts working better, or there may be an unexpected change in the office and you will be given a new partner that reflects your new attitude. Who knows!.
TO RESOLVE A PROJECTION
The emotional reactions you show in the circumstances of life are sources of information about yourself. If you learn to observe yourself in them, you can perceive what part of you you are recognizing in the other.
Observe yourself
When you feel that someone "does something to you" and you react emotionally. Your reaction indicates that it is a projection, something you do to yourself, you are "re-knowing" someone, in a given situation. Your automatic reaction reproduces a learned pattern that you apply involuntarily.
Describe the pattern
The next step is to recognize it in you. Sit down and describe in detail the attitude that causes you emotional reaction. Describe what that person does, when he does it, how he behaves with you, and especially how that attitude makes you feel.
If your reaction is negative, it means that one part of you does something you don't like and another reacts against it, and therefore you have an internal conflict to recognize and solve.
If your reaction is positive it means that your reflection shows a part that you like about yourself, of which you are not aware. You have an unrecognized inner virtue, something positive and that you appreciate yourself.
Recognize yourself
You cannot transform anything that one does not previously recognize. Whether the projection is positive or negative, you have to accept that part of you. What you see abroad is nothing more than a representation of the ideas and attitudes you have about yourself and the world. If it is positive you can look for that virtue that you admire of someone, discover it in you to exercise it consciously. If it is negative you can discover that what you do not like in others you do not like in yourself, and learn to cultivate the opposite quality and transform.
Do you do it to others?
Where do you do the same? To who? In which moments? Why do you do it?. You will realize that what you receive from abroad is a reflection of what you give to yourself or another person. For example, do you usually distrust who distrusts you, or trust who trusts you? One is only free when it does not affect him in front of who he is, his attitude is the result of an election and not of an automatic reaction too dependent on the environment.
Do you do it to yourself?
All that you do to others, is really nothing more than a reflection of what you do to yourself. For example, if it bothers you that they criticize you, it is very possible that you will not only criticize others, but also yourself, and sometimes in an excessive or unfair way. You identify the moments that you do that with you. The real change is in modifying that attitude, if you are not that dynamic, you will not have to worry, it will not affect you to criticize you or not.
Talk to your projection
In the next step you could answer the following questions: What do you think that person would have to change to be satisfied? How do you think he would have to act? How would you like to be treated? Take a pen and paper and describe it with great detail. But it is not for you to tell the other, but for you to work with you. It's about transforming your own attitude, taking advantage of what your projection tells you.
Apply the story
You have discovered something in someone and you have recognized that that something is also in you. Now it is about you apply yourself and your attitude the same story that you recommend to your projection. Become what you want to see in others, use your energy to change yourself, and not try to change the other. You know what would make you happy to receive from others, start by giving it to yourself. To the extent that you learn to transform your interior, you will find a way to do the same on the outside.
Author: Rosa Aleah Puerto
Wb:
The Others as Mirrors of Yourself by Rosa Aleah Puerto
