By Sarvavita
How can I work with my disturbing emotions? like anger, attachment, jealousy, envy ?. These are some of the most frequently asked questions. To work with these emotions I share the notes compiled by Ven. Sangye Khadro of various teachings of the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, where he will help us meditate on them and find an antidote to work with them.
The Buddhist way of handling emotions includes:
1. Recognize their existence (for example, admit that we are angry when we are angry) Avoid suppressing them.
2. Work with them in our mind to either dissolve or transform the mind into a more positive state (by doing this we avoid falling into them). By applying this we can avoid causing harm to ourselves and others.
Some general ways to treat emotions.
1. Attention or self-awareness.
- When we realize the appearance of an emotion in our mind (as is the case with anger), we can control and manage it in a more effective way.
- Through a regular practice of meditation, our mind can be calmer and less willing to react with anger.
2. Remember the nature of the mind.
- The mind is clear, it is not something physical; a stream of mental events that arise and leave.
- These mental events - thoughts, emotions, etc. - are transitory: they appear and disappear, they come and go; They are not permanent fixed entities.
- It may be useful to think that they are like clouds in the sky that come and go; as dreams, as rainbows, or as waves that emerge from the sea and fall into it.
- It can also be useful to learn to unidentify yourself from emotions. For example, instead of thinking "I am in anger" thinking rather "anger is in my mind", this gives less emotion to us and we can handle it more objectively.
3. Do not make judgments.
- We may notice that we tend to like some thoughts and emotions and others dislike us. This leads to attachment - seizure and aversion - rejection. When our mind is trapped in attachment and aversion it is not at peace.
- Instead of this, it is better to cultivate a sense of equanimity: a loving conscience, that does not make judgments and that accepts whatever comes up in the mind.
Working with anger.
- Anger is defined as a mental factor that perceives its object as something unattractive, exaggerates its lack of appeal, becomes antagonistic and wishes to harm it. (The object can be a person or some other type of being sensitive or also an inanimate object).
- It hurts us both mentally and physically.
- It motivates us to harm others and can cause us to lose our friends, our work, etc.
- Destroy our merit.
- We create negative karma and therefore we will suffer in our future lives.
- Think about the defects of anger (see above) and generate the desire to overcome it.
- Consider that the person with whom we are angry is like a mirror. Verify precisely what it is that you dislike about the other or what makes you angry with him. Check if you have or do the same. The idea here is that what we dislike about others is something we dislike in ourselves and the solution is to become more understanding and judge our own "faults" less.
3. Cultivate loving kindness.
- This can be achieved by reflecting on thoughts such as: "That all beings feel good and be happy."
- Becoming familiar with loving-kindness and filling our minds with it will naturally diminish our anger.
4. -Remember karma.
- The problem we are facing (for example, being insulted by another) is the result of negative karma that we created in the past, then it is better to take responsibility, instead of blaming the other person.
- If we react with anger and get revenge, we will create more negative karma and experience more problems in the future.
5. Be compassionate - put yourself in the shoes of others.
- Jump for a moment from your own point of view and try to see how the situation appears to the other person.
- The person's mind may be disturbed due to personal problems. Then take the time to talk to her and you can find the reason for her behavior.
- Mentally separates the person from his deceit and sees that the fault lies in the deceit itself and not in the person.
Remember karma: if she is doing something negative she will experience suffering in the future. Do you really want to give him more suffering?
6. Examine what your mind is telling you and see if you can find fault with the way you are thinking, for example:
He did it on purpose to hurt me, in fact maybe he was worried and he didn't realize what he was doing or maybe he was upset by some problems what's wrong with it.
She never does anything right, If we think more carefully we may remember things she had done well.
It is bad at all, there is nothing good in l . No one is completely bad, everyone has good qualities.
7. Check your expectations.
Ask yourself, what was I waiting for? Were my expectations realistic? For example, we might have the idea that everyone had to be good to us and that no one should be rude.
8. Criticism can help.
When someone criticizes us, it is good to listen carefully without reacting by defending ourselves. There could be some truth in what she is saying and we could take it as advice on how to improve ourselves. If what the person is saying is not true, we could attribute it to their misconceptions.
9. Remember the transience and death.
Both you and the person with whom you feel angry will die and if this happened before you could resolve your anger, you would surely feel an amount of remorse, this could be disturb the mind at the time of death making it difficult to have a peaceful and positive state of mind at that important moment.
10. If all else fails, conquer yourself!
If you suddenly become very angry and it is impossible to apply one of the antidotes, try not to speak or fall into anger (as this will generate more problems and negative karma). Get away from the place and allow your anger to calm down and later, when you have time, bring the situation back to your mind and apply the antidote.
Where could I find enough leather to cover the surface of the earth? But (using) leather only on the soles of my shoes is equivalent to covering the earth with it. Similarly, it is not possible for me to hold the external course of things, but if I restrain this mind of mine, why then would it be necessary to hold everything else?
Working the Attachment.
Attachment is defined as a mental factor that perceives an object as something attractive, exaggerates its attractiveness, sees it as a cause of happiness and wants to own and retain it.
What is wrong with attachment?
1. Attachment disturbs the mind.
- Makes our mind lose peace and obscures it.
- It can lead us to do stupid or dangerous things (for example, driving a car carelessly to impress another).
- Our mood goes up and down: we are happy if we have what we want and unhappy if we don't have it.
- If someone to whom we are attached is depressed, we also become depressed.
2. It leads to dissatisfaction - "what it would be like to drink salt water".
- No matter how much we drink we always want more or better.
- Happiness, the pleasure we have does not last long and does not remove our problems
3. It can give rise to other emotions, such as anger, jealousy, fear and worry.
4. It leads to problems with our relationships.
- We become dependent and / or possessive.
- We make ourselves unrealistic expectations of others.
5. They lead us to take negative actions, for example, steal or lie which are the cause of suffering in future lives and in this life too!
6. It causes us to be reborn again and again.
7. It interferes with our Dharma practice.
- It distracts our mind when we try to meditate or pray.
- We spend a lot of time on non-dharmic activities such as shopping, idle words and spend little time on the practice of Dharma (teachings).
- Even when we practice Dharma our motivation can be impure and it is stained with attachments to have a good reputation, to obtain joy, powers, etc.
- It prevents us from obtaining realizations of the path, liberation and Enlightenment.
8. It's unrealistic, you don't see things correctly as they really are.
Antidotes for addiction.
1. Reflect on the defects of attachment and generate the desire to work it.
2. Meditate on transience.
- Everything is subject to change, nothing lasts forever.
- Self and everyone else will eventually die.
- We will have to leave our possessions behind.
- The happiness / pleasure that attachment gives us is short-lived.
3. Look at the negative or unpleasant aspects of the object.
- For example, "If I had a Mercedes, I would be so happy!" Think about expenses, maintenance, worries, etc.
- For example: "It would be so wonderful to have a relationship with that person, so attractive!" Maybe the person has hidden certain defects, maybe later you will become a conflict.
- But be careful not to go to the other extreme: develop aversion to the object.
4. Verify, is this object really a source of happiness?
- If so, I would always experience happiness when I have it or when I find myself next to the person to whom I am attached, isn't it?
- If so, the more I get the happier I could, is it true or not?
- If so, everyone would feel happy to relate to this, right or not?
- Ask yourself: What is it that really makes me happy?
- According to Buddhism the real source of happiness is within us: our good karma and our positive attitudes.
5. Verify: Does the object really exist in the way I perceive it?
- What appears attractive to one person is not for another; then, it is our mind that creates the "attractive" object or the "desirable" object.
- Mentally separate the parts that make up the object: see if you can find exactly what is so attractive or desirable.
- According to Buddhism there is no real, permanent "me" that can be found in people. Nor is there a real, permanent essence that can be found in inanimate objects. All things simply arise depending on different factors: causes, conditions, parts and mental labels.
Common questions around Attachment.
1. What is the difference between love and attachment?
Attachment is more selfishness, it is more worrying about our own needs and desires; Sometimes we use the other person in order to satisfy those wishes. Love is more interested in the happiness, needs and desires of the other person.
2. How to work with attachment in relationships?
- Apply antidotes against attachment to gradually decrease it. Work on increasing pure and unconditional love.
- When problems arise in the relationship do not immediately assume that it is a fault in the other, check your own mind.
-What is my mind saying about it? About the other person? About myself? Is it true what my mind is saying?
- “What kind of expectations did I have about the other person? Are they realistic and reasonable or am I expecting too much? ”
- Trust and open communication are very important so that the relationship can be spiritually beneficial for both parties.
3. What to say about attachment to Dharma?
- It is better than the attachment to “worldly things” because if it is practiced properly it leads us to free ourselves from attachment, suffering, etc.
- Be careful not to become a "Dharma Alcoholic", using the practice and study of Dharma to escape from mediating with your mind.
4. What about attachment to spiritual Masters?
- The correct attitude that we should have towards the Spiritual Master is devotion which is based on having checked this person carefully and in depth and having reached the wise decision to take him as his teacher. But sometimes attachment can be mixed with our feelings of devotion and this will lead to problems. As an example, feel jealous when the teacher is paying attention to others.
- It is best to be aware of attachment and try to apply antidotes. If the teacher is really a teacher and is skilled, he will know how to prevent us from feeding our attachment and in return will help us overcome it.
5. How to live a happy and healthy life without attachment, or at least, with the least amount of attachment possible?
- The way of the Buddha is the "middle way", neither complacency nor deprivation, to be satisfied living comfortably but simply.
- Developing the altruistic motivation of the Bodhichitta for the things we do: in other words, train ourselves in being interested in others and in doing what we do with the motivation of benefiting others.
3. Working with Envy.
What is envy?
Envy is a mental factor that, due to attachment to material achievements, respect, etc., is incapable of enduring the good things that others have.
What is wrong with envy?
- It disturbs our mind, makes us feel unhappy and can lead us to hatred and resentment.
- It can destroy relationships.
- It can lead us to slander or speak ill of others or even harm them.
- Others will lose their respect for us and feel sorry or dislike.
- It leads us to create negative karma and as such to experience suffering in the future.
- Destroy our virtue and the good things we have.
- It is an obstacle for spiritual development and for our last achievement of liberation and Enlightenment.
Antidotes for Envy.
1. Reflect that envy only hurts us (for example, we feel miserable while everyone else feels happy).
2. Remember karma, the law of cause and effect: Everything happens because of causes and conditions and consequently if someone has something and you don't have it, it is because the other created the causes and you have not done it. But you can start now to create the causes to have that thing in the future.
3. Practice rejoicing: Feeling happy and feeling admiration for the virtues, good deeds, good qualities and happiness of others. By doing this, our mind will be happy and we create a great deal of merit or virtue.
4. If you envy her for things like wealth, intelligence, power, position, attractive figures, etc., then ask yourself: “If I had these, would I really be happy? Will they last forever and can I trust them? Learn to be satisfied with what you have and with your being as it is.
5. Cultivate loving kindness: Loving kindness is wanting others to be happy. If we can honestly generate this feeling then we will feel very happy and not envious when someone lives something that is good.
6. When envy arises in a relationship: For example, your friend or your beloved is paying attention or dedicating time to someone else. You better try to speak it, but without anger! There may be a hidden problem (the other person could be furious with you for something you did and behave in this way to keep up). Try to solve the problem with a sincere communication from the heart to the heart.
4. Worked with pride.
What is pride?
Pride is a mental factor that strongly clings to the wrong conception of a yo and a m, exaggerating the importance that they have and doing By feeling high and superior to others, we can be proud of our appearance, our intelligence, our level of education, our health, social position, our abilities, race, nationality, etc. .
How to know if we are proud?
We criticize and judge others.
We feel unhappy if we are not number one.
We are envious of those who do better, who have more, etc.
We get angry when we don't receive the respect we think we deserve.
We get angry if they criticize us.
We get depressed by our mistakes, failures, etc.
There is a difference between pride and healthy self esteem or personal security:
Pride implies feeling superior to others and seeing them below one while a healthy sense of self-esteem or personal security implies the recognition of good qualities, achievements etc., without going to the extreme of feeling egotistical, arrogant and thinking that It is better than the others. We need to be sure of ourselves as to the potential we have to develop in the spiritual path and obtain high states such as Enlightenment.
What is the wrong pride ?:
It makes us feel arrogant and superior to those we see as inferior and can lead us to abuse them and criticize them.
It makes us envious and competitive towards our peers
It makes us envious of those who are above us
Disturb our mind, not allowing ourselves to be at peace and satisfied
It is an obstacle to spiritual development
- Others will think badly of us and will not love us
- It leads us to produce negative karma. The karmic result of pride is being born poor, in an inferior position and not being respected by others
- Prevents us from reaching liberation and enlightenment
Antidotes for Pride.
1. Think of the source of what you are proud of and realize that you are dependent on others. For example, your body came from your parents, your knowledge came from your teachers, your good fortune came from your good karma created in previous lives.
2. Remember the things you don't know, remember the qualities you don't have.
3. Remember your faults and your imperfections.
4. Think, “While I am in samsara (cyclic existence) my mind is full of deception and karma. What am I proud of then?
5. Remember the transience, things can change for us and we can lose what we have. For example, healthy people get sick and become unfit, rich people go bankrupt, people in high positions can lose them, etc.
6. Develop an understanding about the absence of being. Investigate the "me" you are feeling proud
Working with the Depression
1. Look at your mind.
Depression often includes repetitive thoughts of self-criticism, for example: "I am useless, " No one takes care of me; "or" I never do anything right. "If we are honest with ourselves, we will realize that all these thoughts are wrong. Then we can "turn the cassette": change them to appropriate positive thoughts. It also works in the cultivation of acceptance, love and compassion for yourself.
2. Consciously bring to your mind and feel joy about the things you have:
- Think about your good qualities, good people around you, your potential, etc. Even the fact that you are alive, that you can walk, see, talk, etc., can be a cause of joy.
- If there is a serious problem that makes you feel depressed it could be useful to bring to mind people who have similar or even worse problems. In spite of how bad it is to see things, they could be worse.
3. Meditate on "Appreciate your human life."
4. Think about samsara (cyclic existence): Think that your nature is suffering and therefore, as long as we remain in samsara we will experience problems. But it is definitely possible to free ourselves from samsara by practicing Dharma.
5. Meditate on the nature of the mind: Think about how your depressive thoughts and feelings are not physical, they are transitory like clouds in the sky. Do not think that your depression is permanent; It's here now, but it will go later.
6. Do things that involve helping others who are in need.
For example, volunteer to help in a kitchen or a welfare home. Physical exercise is also useful for overcoming depression.
Fear Concern, Anxiety.
Why do we feel fear and worry?
- The root of fear is our misconception of being or "I" and the desire for things to be permanent.
- Hence the attachment to what is pleasant and fear of separating from it or losing what we have as loved. Dislike and fear of unpleasant experiences that we don't want to have.
Antidotes for fear and worry.
1. Be aware of your fears and recognize them. Think of samsara (cyclic existence): its nature is suffering and therefore while we are in samsara we will have problems. But it is definitely possible to free ourselves from samsara if we practice Dharma.
2. Look at your fears, understand exactly what you fear and then ask yourself:
- Is it reasonable to have this fear?
- Is there anything I can do to prevent this unwanted thing from happening or reduce the chances of it appearing?
- If it is little or nothing what can be done it is better to learn to accept it.
3. Cultivate the practice of taking refuge.
4. Think about karma, the law of cause and effect: There is some reason for unwanted experiences to occur to us: it is due to our past life actions.
- Also, karma can explain why we have certain fears or phobias. For example, if you were attacked by a dog in a past life you might have an instinctive fear of dogs in this life.
5. When your mind is trapped by unnecessary worries, meditate or recite prayers or mantras.
6. Keep your balance, avoid both extremes of excessive worry on one side and being irresponsible on the other.
