Table of contents hide 1 The Low Self-Esteem Factor 2 Unresolved Oedipus Complex 3 Little interpersonal intelligence 4 Neurosis of failure 5 Fear of sexual intercourse 6 Recommendations on the question of why you don't find a partner

The human being from birth is a sexed being. This, of course implies that you will have the disposition and the biological tendency to live a sexual life and in union with your partner, in order to preserve the species. But what happens when you don't find someone to share erotic experiences, that is, why don't you find a partner?

The answer to this question refers to your psychological sphere. In this sense, we could talk about the following main factors that affect why you do not find a partner: Low self-esteem. Oedipus complex not resolved. Little emotional intelligence. Neurosis of failure and fear of sexual relations .

The factor of low self-esteem

One of the main causes of why you don't find a partner is the low self-assessment and self-acceptance you can have of yourself. Indeed, the way we perceive ourselves is the way we project ourselves to others. Have you ever wondered how I show myself to the world, and to the people I like?

If there are failures in the affective behavior manifested in the self-assessment, as well as in the way of loving yourself, it is very difficult for you to love someone else, consequently having difficulties in finding a partner.

We must not forget that, affective behavior involves feelings, especially the love experienced as a strength of the idea of ​​the self, (through the imaginary, and fantasy), which allows to unify through the subjectivity the sharing of identity with another person, and be recognized in it. This is what Erikson calls "mutual verification."

Unresolved Oedipus Complex

The Oedipus complex is a set of ideas, representations, impulses and unconscious affections that have occurred in children's sexual life and in the human development of all people. These, then are repressed, to agglutinate around the emotional life, and form the psychic structure of the person.

The syntax of the Oedipus complex is summarized as follows: “ bedding with breast and killing potato”, (or vice versa if it is a woman) if it is not resolved, there can be no mutual verification being she, a necessary condition that constitutes the question of the Why don't you find a partner ?

Depending on how the person has solved his Oedipus, his structure will be formed, this includes: the neurotic, the perverse, and the psychosis . For reasons of space and not to leave the subject, only the neurotic structure will be touched.

Indeed, the whole problem of Oedipus is the way in which the person comes to love . If you have been fixed in some logical time of the Oedipus, it is possible that you are unconsciously wishing to be with one of your parents, consequently, not finding in reality that imaginary of impossible enjoyment.

In this way, in your conscious life you will be alone, or without a partner, but your psyche will be spinning, wishing a father (if you are a woman) or a mother (or in the case of the male). In this way you will love neurologically, not to the possible partners in reality, but to your childhood imaginary projected in reality . This is the focus of the cognitive distortions of yourself, sexuality and interpersonal relationships.

From here, homosexuality is also derived from the so-called negative Oedipus . What in some particular cases, especially during the beginning of young adulthood (18 years) could create great anguish and low self-assessment at the mercy of a cognitive distortion of the self product of the unconscious conflict.

Also, it is common for the person unconsciously set to be the wish of one of their parents, to have a selective abstraction to older people, so a sociocultural variable that would generate Feelings of guilt in wanting older people, and influencing the fact that you can't find a partner .

Little interpersonal intelligence

Given the structure of some of the people who do not know why they do not find a partner, there are few interpersonal skills, manifested by a great love shyness . This works from emotional intelligence.

The person, given his question of why he does not find a partner ?, may have emotions of abandonment, rejection and guilt. In the first place you can be afraid of abandonment, so you will have avoidant personality traits, and a constant fear of commitment .

You may also feel rejection of yourself, this feeling of projecting abroad, so you will have the neurotic dynamics of rejecting even those who like it. Likewise, feelings of guilt can emerge, of feeling that their emptiness can never be filled, thus assuming a victim's role.

The failure neurosis

Neurosis understood as conflict with desire, affects the cognitive and emotional dimensions of people, so it can influence the formation of cognitive dissonances, and distortions about the relationship, sexuality and the future of the individual.

Also, the failure neurosis is experienced in that every time the person obtains something of his pleasure he manages (unconsciously) to self-sabotage, and turn his triumph into failure, whether with a partner, at work level or individual goals, by That says Jodorowsky (2009):

if the person: every time he undertakes a task he cannot finish it; if every time he succeeds in something he manages to turn this triumph into failure; if every time he manages to form a partner of his liking, he ends up causing conflicts that lead to separation; if an incomprehensible feeling of guilt pursues him; if he constantly feels dissatisfied with himself; if despite having talent, no matter how hard he tries, he cannot succeed ... he has a failure neurosis. (p.60)

Thus, every time the subject achieves a couple's satisfaction, he is immersed in a feeling of guilt, being dissatisfied with the situation despite his internal skills and talents, always looking for ways to lead to failure and prove that he is incapable, returning neurotically to the question of why you don't find a partner .

Fear of sexual intercourse

It may also, that why you do not find a partner, is related to an irrational fear of genital contact with a possible partner. This fear can be constellated by the non-resolution of the castration complex (given in the Oedipus complex).

This can be complemented by feelings of shame, denials of their own autonomy that would cause a null exercise of sexual function, transformed into anguish and a stagnation of libido. The latter according to the Akal dictionary of psychology :

This state, if it is not discharged through a specific action * of its own to provide satisfaction (and therefore relaxation) or if it is not subject to psychic elaboration *, automatically becomes anguish *. Such a process is the basic mechanism for the formation of current neuroses *. (p.226)

This would also form a psychic state of afanisis, that is, of inhibition of erotic desires, after a return to previous stages of castration, accentuating the avoidant personality traits and accentuating the question of why you don't find a partner.

Recommendations to the question of why you do not find a partner

It is recommended that you always check your cognitive patterns, and the nuclear beliefs you have of yourself, others and the world.

For this, it is recommended that you meditate, and go to psychotherapy. Since what has the question of Why do you not find couples? It does not have a superficial response, but it is linked to the cognitive, emotional and unconscious dimensions formed throughout life.

Author: Kevin Samir Parra Rueda, editor in the great family of Hermandadblanca.org.

Sources and more information:

• Anzieu, D., Bronckart, P., Le Moal, M., Lévy-Leboyer, C., Richelle, M., and Widlocher, D. (2004). Akal dictionary of psychology . Madrid, Spain: Ediciones Akal, SA
• Freud, S. (1924). The burial of the Oedipus complex. Complete works, vol. XIX, Buenos Aires: Amorrortu, 1976.
• Jodorowsky, A. (2009). Manual of psychomagia. Tips to manage your life. Santiago de Chile: Siruela. SA
• Lacan, J. (2010). The seminar of Jacques Lacan. Book 5, the formations of the unconscious 1957-1958. Buenos Aires, Argentina: Paidós.