I can't talk to my teenage son / daughter. How do I get it?

  • 2018
Table of contents hide 1 Then first of all: Respira! Your son is normal! 2 How are teenagers' conversations with their parents generally? 3 Returning to the above, adolescents will take distance from everything you say, do and think. 4 What can I do in this situation? 5 Do teenagers want to talk with us, their parents? 6 What is the reason why it is so difficult to communicate with my teenage son / daughter? 7 What begins to happen in teenagers?

To begin, I would like to tell you that one of the main things that as parents we have to take into account when talking with our teenage sons / daughters is one of Miguel Ruiz's four Toltec principles: "Do not take anything personally." With this I want to tell you many things, but now I would like to ask you to try to take some distance from the comments that your son / daughter could make when it comes to impulsive responses to discipline issues and / or the observations that you will make as part of the tasks that concern your role as a tutor. With this line of thinking keep in mind that no matter how many times you say things to your sons / daughters they will usually believe it to another person . That is, returning to the agreement cited above does not mean that your words have no value for him / her, but that because adolescents are just in a moment of transition, of transcending their family, of going beyond what is known, to differentiate from father and mother, is that the word of another person will have more weight than yours. In addition to this, they will disqualify 90 percent of what you say and many times you will feel that you are speaking alone, even if you are looking directly into their eyes. You will also realize that the communication is constituted only by monosyllables where the repertoire of words will consist of the following syllables: "no", "yes", "I don't know", "mmm". It is very common that they use extremist terms as always or never . One of the questions they will often forget is: do you give me permission? In this way, we can observe that in order to know if our son is sad or just how he is, he will be an odyssey. Paraphrasing one of Maná's songs: it will be easier to reach the sun, than to your heart . However, mom or dad, that is very normal, so it is a requirement to always keep in mind that all this is very NORMAL or COMMON.

Then first of all: Breathe !! Your son is normal!

How are teenagers' conversations with their parents generally?

The talks of the young people are mostly made up of very short phrases such as: "Can you give me money? Can I go dancing? Can I stay a little longer? Where is my charger?" The deepest thing you will hear coming out of your mouth will be four wonderful words: "Can you pass me the iPod?"

When reading all these characteristics of a conversation one feels some discomfort or discomfort and is even horrified, but if we dig deeper, we will realize that many parents talk in this same way with their children . “Did you clean your room?”, “Did you put the cell phone in silence?”, “Are you listening to me?”, “Did you go find your brother?”, “Did you do what I asked?”. This is how we are not helping or encouraging our children's communication with us. We need to set an example from the way we address them to the type of conversation we develop with them. This is essential.

Many studies have shown that in the adolescence stage not only the quantity of words decreases, but also the quality, therefore the communication in this age group is very compromised and obstructed . In addition to this, they are building their own personal script, their life script, in other words they are laying the foundations of their identity and personality .

Returning to the above, adolescents will take distance from everything you say, do and think

Why? Because they need to differentiate themselves from who were the adults who raised him and from whom he took, as true, his thoughts, beliefs, feelings and parameters. That is why they will take distance to be able to shape their own criteria and truths .

One of the issues that is activated when an adolescent completely hears an adult's advice, without listening, feeling, is the sensation of diminishing their independence and that commits them to act in accordance with what you say, and not with what he feels (independence, self-esteem) .

What can I do in this situation?

The main thing is to be aware of these issues that happen to the young man and respect him so that in this way he can separate himself from us, his parents and help them to freely build their personal script.

Do teenagers want to talk with us, their parents?

S ! Of course I do. They need to talk to us, since we are their guides, their models, their reference or that we should try to be. But the problem is that we as adults are so busy with work, cell phone, snaptchap, Facebook, instagram, etc. that all the time we are avoiding the possibility of communicating with us and therefore we have no way of knowing what is happening to him and what he is living. Unfortunately, adults are so immersed in thousands of worldly issues that we forget the essential thing is to be present with our children, listen to them, and really listen to them, with physical and mental presence.

What is the reason why it is so difficult to communicate with my teenage son / daughter?

Different scientific research on this age group confirms that both their self-esteem and the control of their emotions, their knowledge of themselves, that is, everything that made up their structure, has vanished . In other words, the world of young people has been transformed into a chaotic and uncertain place . Your brain and body are in an indescribably strong and transformative revolution . In this way, your brain sends completely confusing and ambiguous responses . And one of the most affected issues is communication with their parents .

What begins to happen in teenagers?

They begin to see and interpret things in a different and mostly biased way . In other words, it is as if they put on green glasses, and see everything absolutely green. Then and mainly when we talk to them, they listen to what we say with these green lenses, then everything sounds green . For example:

Mama: son, did you give your father the newspaper?

Son: “Why do you ask me that? You see! I knew! You don't believe in me, that's why you ask me ”

Mama: "No son, I didn't remember if I had already given it to him"

Son: "Yes, of course."

Generally our children stop listening to us in the middle of the conversation and end up completing it with the words that they believe are the ones we are going to say . They process and interpret the information they receive with green lenses, so everything they say and think will be green . There will be no other color. Until you understand this way of seeing and feeling the life of your son or daughter (which at the moment is totally disorganized and vulnerable) remember to be patient, accompany him and be constantly present.

That is why the key lies in the four Toltec agreements: "Be impeccable with your words", "Do not take anything personally", "Do not make assumptions" and "Always do your best". In these simple but complex phrases are the keys to cope, as a parent, this stage . It is essential that you do not curl into everything they say and do. Nothing is against you, nothing! Although I know you would swear to me yes, keep in mind that no! The essential thing is that you do not waste energy fighting, contradicting it, in explaining thousands of times something that your son / daughter at this time will not understand.

These tips will make your communication with your teenage son / daughter a lot better.

REDACTORA: Gisela S., editor of the great family of the White Brotherhood.

SOURCE: Rosado, Y. (2015). SOS Teenagers out of control in the digital age: The most sought answers by all parents of teenagers. Aguilar

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