Children help in line with their parents

  • 2011

I would like to say something to educators: If we help a lot, the child gets angry. We help you with distance. Above all we help them on behalf of parents. It is important that when helping we get below the parents. If we place ourselves above them, as if we were the best parents, the child will get mad at us.

Today was very nice to see in one of the constellations in the morning. The father was behind the home where his son lived. On the one hand he put himself on his side. On the other, he was behind everything the home had done for his son. The home could rely on him. That was useful, that was beautiful. When help for asylum children comes that way, serene and in line with their parents, then the children can be like their parents. This is very important. Children want to be like their parents.

When we say to a child: Your father was an alcoholic, do not be like your father, the child, for loyalty to his father, will be equal to him. This is the consequence that these external judgments have in the soul.

No, the child wants to be the same as his father. When he says to his father: I want to be like you, the father looks at his son with love and answers: T you have the right to be different from me . Just like that, the child will be free to develop outside the area of ​​influence of his parents.

I reflected on what makes the person great. Everything that makes it the same as other people will make it great. Everything that deviates from that path, from equality with other people will dwarf it, will never make it bigger. That is a humble greatness. That humility allows us to move serenely among people. As soon as someone feels bigger than the others they will stop loving him. This generates aggression. Also when he becomes small. Whoever behaves as an equal among equals will be well seen everywhere, wherever it may be.

When the dead rise

What dead is it? Of the dead who in a war were on the other side or who suffered injustice? Otherwise they will be represented later by a child. Once I did it with the dead who belonged to the other side, since the father of a child who lived in a home had been violent against a Thai woman during the Vietnam War. The boy was sent home because he was aggressive with his father. It was clear that the boy had taken care of the woman's assaults.

In the constellation the boy got close to that woman and bowed deeply to her. From her came the blessing.

HELLINGER to that child: Now I'm going to show you how you can be yourself again. Imagine your father and lean slightly in front of him. Then you turn and leave.

To the group: Now maybe you can perceive with your soul what I said before about the differentiation of good and bad, or better yet about the non-differentiation between good and bad. All of them are anchored in something they cannot escape. And you can let your soul perceive what I said about the love of children.

Here it is clear that in families in which the father was in the war, was involved in the war, the victims also belong to the family. This can be seen very often:


Once someone in the United States, a somewhat troublemaker said: My father was a hero. With other companions he conquered an island. He was in the company that after hard losses managed to raise the American flag there.

Then I placed representatives for his father's comrades who had fallen into action. Then I put five representatives for the victims of Hiroshima, victims of the Americans. The father was completely rigid, while the son was irresistibly drawn to the dead comrades and the victims of his father. Then I confronted the son with his father and made him say: "I go with them, whatever happens to you doesn't matter to me." And he said it, he was so tied to his father's dead. The father just softened when he looked the young man straight in the eye and could see what his stiffness had caused in his son. Then the father was able to pay attention to the dead, the son could pay attention to his father and the father could, together with the son, move away from the dead. Something similar we have witnessed here.

Family conscience

In this context I would like to say something else. The family conscience not only has a law by which all who are part of it must belong. And for that reason in that consciousness there is no differentiation between good and bad.

Another law also prevails. That law says: Those who were before have priority over those who came after. Never one who arrived later has the right to interfere in what the previous ones did. If someone does it fails. Beyond what someone does, for example, if someone wants to commit suicide as an atonement because of their father's fault, it will be in vain. It does not help anyone. But he will have the feeling of being big and innocent.

Every hero that fails thus feels great. But later he will be dejected. How did your greatness help you?


In Rilke's Duinee Elegies there is a very beautiful part in which the poet describes how fate is hidden behind the curtain. There is a small child there and the mother stops in front of her bed. She protects him from fate. The child appears to be a protected child. And yet the powerful destiny is already hidden behind the curtain - and we don't know what's coming.

Then the child falls asleep and suddenly has a fever. In wild dreams it descends to the origins of the fathers and to the throats of the mothers, where the horror lies. And the horrible smiles. When the child arrives the destination smiles. The horrible smiles, in deep harmony. Then the child accepts everything violent and becomes someone completely different. He is no longer an innocent child. He is from the beginning intertwined with something big.

Then the boy grows up and is a man. Find a woman and this woman thinks she has an influence on him. However Rilke says to her: Do you really think that your slight movement shocks him like this? Primitive times bulle in his blood.

At the end of this beautiful elegy - it is the third - Rilke tells the woman: “Give her a pleasant and sincere daily task. Confer the primacy of the nights. Stop it. "

This is true humility. In touch with the big we are humble.

Thank you very much Sony for the contribution you make every day to the Universe !!

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