Table of contents hide 1 Sex, eros and love for Roberto Pérez commented by Gisela S. 2 A Tibetan proverb says: “you want to know how your future is going to be, look at your present”. 3 “Links are the place of soul realization” 4 And so, in ancient cultures, there were two central ideas in the formation and education of young people, this as a common denominator in cultures. 5 The richness of a compound depends on the purity of the substances that compose it. 6 The wealth of married, married, couple life inexorably depends on the wealth, the depth, the value of the life of each of them. 7 The best thing I can do for others is to heal my defects. 8 What does not grow dies. 9 What changes, endures, what does not change perishes. 10 What does not change perishes. 11 Before asking who you're going with, ask yourself where you're going. 12 The dialogue of bodies is the expression of the dialogue of souls. 13 How do we make it wow? It is not a matter of pills, movies, or anything like that there is no method, or technique, it is very simple. 14 All failures, all successes in the male-female relationship inexorably go through this. The thermometer, the relationship meter, of a link, goes through whether the parties feel heard or not. 15 The three key components of conjugal life: sex, eros and love. 16 The three components sex, eros and love. 17 For all things in life, eh! The important thing is not if you lose or if you win, the important thing is that you don't lose the desire. 18 Love as a search for the good of the other, for its growth. Then sex, eros and love, the three components, if any of these are not, the quality of the marriage bond begins to be lost. And there are three parts that have to be, when, I repeat, one of these is not, everything falls. 19 So to close this idea, eros is the bridge between sex and love. The married life, or the conjugal or couple life is really healthy when the three components are united, when sex, eros and love are united the couple is full. 20 The triangle always has to do with the area of thought, feeling and action. Mind, heart and will. And when one begins to stop growing in the emotional bond of marriage or the couple inexorably appear these triple D. 21 Triple D: Disenchantment, disgust and reluctance. 22 When this happens, the path of addictions, and unfortunately is the most common, what is the medicine to get out of here? 23 The art of living is the art of digesting life. 24 That is why a couple who learns to discern between them and learns to digest what happens is healthy.
This article will consist of one of Roberto Perez's lectures who teaches us the keys to having a happy marriage or at least to be. His words are wonderful and he transmits them with a magical simplicity so his reading is very pleasant. In addition to this, the wisdom that transmits us so that we learn, from their point of view based on their experience and anthropological studies, to maintain the flame of love in our partner is enormous. Notwithstanding that, he also gives us advice to be better and better parents, friends, companions or partners, etc. For all the above, I bring these words so that, from them, they can begin to discover the wonders that any relationship gives us.
Sex, eros and love for Roberto P rez commented by Gisela S.
I think that everyone present, except for some age that sees a very very young face, all of us here, I think that this topic I am going to talk about is not something that is anecdote, something circumstantial, something external, talk about the relationship of man and woman, talk about the encounter and the link between men and women. It is a subject that moves many things, moves the past . I say move the past because you know many things that you learned with pain . I go to the present because all of us who are here, except those who are not in a couple, like this and everything, the bond of man and woman and the encounter and affection are, at this moment, to each one in some way, involving . We are not out of that.
And it moves the future because the ideal is that after I can convey what I have in my heart, we can continue together from here, from here, looking inwards and sharing with someone, with whom we can, these reflections that I am going to give you.
One would like to do things better, one would like what is coming to be much better than what it is and what it was . No matter the age huh! You want that to be so. And about that purpose is where I want to talk. When I make descriptions of things that can be painful, I can't help them because some are going to touch one thing and others the other. If I am interested that we put hope as a substrate of everything . Since that attitude of hope makes, as it has been the past and as is the present always, always, always, the attitude we have in front of what we live, can make the future better .
A Tibetan proverb says: "You want to know what your future is going to look like, look at your present."
It means that in the present we build what is coming, then I repeat. Be grandmothers, grandparents, be fathers or mothers, be husbands, couples, etc. etc. I am convinced that all this I say will affect each one of us. And if we can be lucky that this reaches our children, nephews, grandchildren, that is, we can reach them. If we can somehow retransmit what I say, perhaps we can put keywords in the personal work of their lives.
And I'm going to start with a photo that I love that there are two old people, hugging each other, and the phrase that says below has to do with Greek philosophy and this is real. This is a real story huh! This is in one of Plato's books:
“They asked Zeno of Elea disciple of Parmenides, if the wise could fall in love. And Zeno said yes, then he said: "Then the wise act the same as fools and fools." "Not much less, " replied Zeno. Fools think they know why they love, fools even give their reasons, but only true sages know that there are none and that nobody can explain why love comes in and why it comes out. ”
True sages know that there are no reasons and nobody can explain why love comes in and why love comes out.
In the beginning of depth, and what we have been saying, I would like to put a key, like a stamp in the heart of each one, and it is a small, deep, simple, but key phrase:
"Links are the place of soul realization"
That is to say, our souls are realized in the measure that we are able to heal, improve, make more nutritious, deeper, richer, the bonds that we have around us. Life passes, our destiny passes, salvation passes, let's say different words, the arrival to the most important happens through how we improve, deepen, and heal our bonds . They understand me. It is in those links where the soul is realized . Then the people who went through our life, in the encounter of love, or those who are in our life, in the affective encounter of love, have been part of us to constitute ourselves as persons. From them we nourished, they nourished, and we mutually did it to grow together, one with the other. So every encounter, every relationship, every link that comes close to us, is an opportunity to grow, to enrich ourselves, to be better . So, no matter if we were successful or we were unsuccessful, the important thing is that we have learned something from what we live. It is not important that everything went well, it is not important that everything is fine. The important thing is that it happens, what happens, or what has happened, today, today's present is better. May I understand more of life, of myself, of humanity, of the human condition . That I may have grown by having gone through those links I lived, that is what it is about. Not to get mad at what happened, not to get upset at what happens, or to have a disappointment of what the future may be, no! No! No! It is to maintain our capacity for wonder that everything, positive or not, I can learn, that is the authentic attitude.
And so, in ancient cultures, there were two central ideas in the formation and education of young people, this as a common denominator in cultures.
The first key in the education and training of young people is that each of them, as soon as possible, knew so that he came to this life . What was the mission that came to carry out this life? That comes first. And those who made teachers, sages, guru, priests, those who had the task of forming, the first thing they tried was for everyone to discover so that he came to this life.
The second key to education was that they learn to find their partner or their life partner. That is the second thing, that they knew how to choose their life partner well. Why? because as I meet someone who accompanies me in life, the other may be the one who helps me fulfill my own mission in life, and I can help him fulfill his own mission in life.
For ancient cultures, each one of us had a personal mission, and the one we chose as a companion is the one who has to help us fulfill each one of our own mission, therefore the family was the privileged project that unites man and woman. woman but, each one is one. And she has her mission to fulfill and he has her mission to fulfill and for this they were male and female to fulfill each other's mission. So that she is more woman and he is more man. So, those who worked as trainers, tried to help them discern and train them along the way so that they mutually support and help each other fulfill their own mission in life. That was the reason for the union of man and woman, in that intimacy and within the project of family life . And then now, if this is so, notice, what is the basic secret on which the love of man and woman rests. Where would the key piece be? What can we say where this encounter between the man and the woman is based.
There is a chemical formula of the secondary, which helps us remember from such a simple base, and how can it be applied in the complexity of human bonds? Notice, this chemical statement goes like this:
The richness of a compound depends on the purity of the substances that compose it.
The richness of water depends on the purity of the oxygen and hydrogen that compose it. When each of the elements is better, the compound is better . It's so simple, it seems obvious. So, when she is a better woman, and he is a better man, the union they produce is better. The richness of the compound that is marriage, will depend on the love that each one of them has.
The wealth of married, married, couple life inexorably depends on the wealth, the depth, the value of the life of each of them.
Therefore, the best thing I can do for my partner is to be me, the better. The best thing I can do to make that compound richer is to work on myself, to be better and better, me. I cannot force the other to do what the other does not, but if I can do my best, to do everything possible to enrich the compound.
When one stops loving oneself, it begins to affect the marriage bond. When one stops loving oneself, it begins to affect the matrimonial core, the married life. But for this, those who listened to me at the conference understand me, so I don't need to make a minimum clarification.
When I say to love oneself, we have a bad habit of associating it with the word selfishness . So I say loving oneself is more or less like selfish. Do not! It is madness, the selfish one is the one who lives for himself, but the one who loves himself is the one who does everything possible to develop all the best of himself. That is the one that is loved, loving oneself is a titanic work, because it is a permanent work of time and effort dedicated to grow and improve myself as a person. Therefore, the egoist does nothing to develop, what matters is simply being well, not caring about anything or anyone. On the other hand, the person who loves himself, strives all the time, to grow, his gifts, his talents, his abilities, to be able to offer others better. Give me a woman who loves herself well, who accepts herself, who enriches herself and who gives herself. Give me a man who lives by accepting himself, learning to enrich himself as a person, and giving that to others. Give me two people like that. The first thing that will happen do you know what it is? That they will admire . Love begins to appease when I lose the admiration of the person next to me. When I stop admiring the person next to me, because he doesn't like me anymore, he no longer amazes me or I don't love him, or that feeling of greatness does not produce me, unfortunately love darkens. That is why, normally when the other party puts their best to develop, it is always an object of admiration and that is why they will always see that at the moment when a man and a woman begin their bond, they are probably in a state where The situation is very effervescent, but with the passage of time and coexistence, if one does not grow and another does, this feeling of lag begins to finally begin to produce gaps and the situation begins to open.
When you stop worrying about being better, it affects the person next to you. Therefore, the love of the couple, the conjugal love, the love of the man and the woman begins with the degree of self-love that one has. And the best thing I can do for the other person is to be myself, to the point that one can say the following:
The best thing I can do for others is to heal my defects.
The best thing I can do for my children, for the people around me is to heal, heal my defects, correct my bad ways of being, because otherwise I am hurting, hurting, bothering all those who prowl . The best I can do for the other is to be me, the better. Because as I am better, I give better. And I am better when I accept myself and I do not live complaining about what I am and, I am better when I learn to enrich, discovering my talents and developing them and I am better when I open up to meet the other, to finish growing up. When I do not accept myself, or do not live enriching myself as a person, in my talents I do not live by opening myself to the other, I am drying up directly
And there is one thing that I am going to say now and I will say it later, what does not grow dies, that is, it is the law of natural life:
What does not grow dies.
So, if in living beings this is true, what does not grow, dies, the same happens in the link, if that happens in each part, that happens in the compound. If we do not learn to grow, in the long run, the link dies . If each one does not provide the best for growth, in the long run, the link dies. Either I grow, or I die, and so, that's why there is a very strong phrase that hurts a little but well:
What changes, endures, what does not change perishes.
If we continue in the same way, all the time, and we did not make changes to correct what needs to be corrected, to improve what needs to be improved, to realize what we have to realize and remain the same.
What does not change perishes.
That is why the constant restlessness of each one, that I have to change in myself, to improve r. And the permanent concern of sharing with the other, that we have to change and improve. Therefore, following that idea of ancient cultures, there is a phrase that says:
Before asking who you're going with, ask yourself where you're going.
Before looking for who accompanies you in life, ask yourself where you are going in your life, what is your mission in your life. Not that you do not know where you are going, you join someone and one day he goes to one side and I go to the other side.
Then worrying about the personal mission in life, worrying about being well planted in life, allows us to give more possibilities, that in the encounter with the other, in our union, enrich us. If each of us is lost through life, but we have many needs, and from there we build our bonds, without knowing each one who wants from life, where he goes, where he points, what It usually happens that one day I realize that I want to go there, and the other wants to go to the other side. And we try to stay, many times, for responsibilities and many things. But something is already failing, when our interests, our goals, horizons, have been changing. Before asking who you're going with, ask yourself where you're going.
So yes, let's think that way. After this key that I gave you, that the conjugal love is supported or the love of the couple, in the love of oneself, there is a second key that I will say as a statement and we will, and I leave it so that we think about it together:
The dialogue of bodies is the expression of the dialogue of souls.
Taken from the context that may seem religious, I want us to see it thoroughly. The dialogue of the body is the expression of the inner dialogue I have with the one next to me . When my personal dialogue begins to have no depth and richness, the dialogue of the bodies begins to lose depth and richness. Sexuality depends on communication between people.
That is why at one of the conferences I once said this to the men present: tell me what is the easiest way to have a spectacular night with my partner, what is the way we have sexually a spectacular night, where we have enjoyed, enjoyed etc. etc. etc. I can tell the ladies but I tell the men.
How do we make it wow? It is not a matter of pills, movies, or anything like that there is no method, or technique, it is very simple.
When I with the partner I have, we dialogue and share, and she feels listened to, when we find a moment where we each feel heard, and especially when I make the other heard, with attention and dedication, naturally what follows next in The intimacy of the room will be spectacular . When I feel heard inside, when I say it as a woman, when I feel heard inside, when I feel heard, I am born to open and surrender. When I do not feel heard or heard the other is going to be something mechanical, cold, indifferent, more or less, it will work out well depending on the circumstances, that is why the dialogue of the body depends on the dialogue of the soul .
If what I want is to have a good encounter in bodily intimacy with my partner, necessarily the best thing I can do is try to have a rich moment of meeting and previous dialogue . And you will see how the other follows calmly.
I say it from male to female, but it's vice versa, hey, because this is common. So an important equation is to understand that listening to us becomes a key piece in the development of the couple's marriage . I would say, at my 52 years, I can say it with a certainty that I didn't have before.
All the failures, all the successes in the man-woman relationship inexorably go through this. The thermometer, the relationship meter, of a link, goes through whether the parties feel heard or not.
If both really feel heard, for each other, that marriage is healthy . And if that really happens, over time sexuality is very rich . That is why the strength of a bond, in all orders, occurs when there is an ability to listen to us . So let's understand this, dialogue is not talking.
Dialogue is making others feel heard. Two people talked well, when they both felt heard . Not when they talked a lot, talking a lot is not synonymous with feeling heard. Two people really as a couple, as a couple, have really grown in love, when they hear each other. Listening is not a passive attitude. Remember that one thing is to be quiet and another is to listen.
You know well that when we are in front of other people, I realize when someone listens to me and when someone is silent. It may seem that he is listening to me, but he is not, because listening is an active attitude, being quiet is a passive attitude . Then many times, tell me if not, you speak to the other party, you say: "you are not listening to me", "no, no, no, I listen to you I hear you" and repeats the last sentence to you to stay calm. But it was somewhere else, you're not here, you don't care. "No yes, I do care, I care." And you feel, because that feels, you can't explain.
Feeling heard is a very different thing from looking at the other, and hearing it for that reason, then, I want to lay down some key foundations, so that we can break down some fundamental truths. With this I have said, now I would like us to enter, to the three parts or the three keys that have to do with the married life and with the conjugal life and with the life of the couple.
The three key components of conjugal life: sex, eros and love.
Even Octavio Paz has a phrase that says: sex is the root, eros is the stem and love is the flower .
Look what I just said before, about the love of oneself and the love with the other, which says so, it is strong so I ask all neurons, strong in the sense that it is very clear, as closing what I come telling them: only when you are right with yourself or with yourself, can you be fine with the other . Only when you manage your loneliness can you manage your relationship . No relationship will give you the peace that you or yourself do not believe within. No relationship will bring you happiness that you or yourself do not build. You can only be happy with another person when you are able to say well convinced or convinced "I do not need you to be happy", you can only love being independent . You can only be happy, when two happy people come together to share your happiness, not to make each other happy. Pretending that another person makes us happy and fulfills all our expectations, is a narcissistic fantasy that only brings frustrations . That is why you love very much, mature, and the day you can say to the other person: "without you I have a great time". That day, you will be prepared or prepared to live as a couple.
Is it clear not? It's harder, I said it softer, but that's the way it is. I can assure you my 52 years, that is so. When we could not be happy with us and we ask the other to make us happy, all evil, all evil. And to top it all if you want to see that, listen to all the Latin songs on the radio; "Without you I die, without you I can not be, since you left." We go from tango to Latin songs. Listen to the Latin radio for half an hour and you will see what it is. All the songs say the opposite of this, without you I cannot be happy, without you, without you. No no no!
How nice it would be if the generation that continues with us, has it very clear to this and the Latin song is: "I am happy, I fell in love with me"! Can you imagine Latin songs I fell in love with me, I do not need you ?. And we leave Rio Plata's tango and leave this sticky mix, of feelings that the other has to bring my happiness . And we have all paid the price, for not having understood, we paid the expensive price.
So I liked this comment, so that we understand then, that the work on myself is what makes me go to the other freely . That is important. When I learned to be fine with me, I go to free gold and do it to the free one . Because if I am not well, the other one has to help me so that I am well, I take away freedom. I have to be free, he has to be free, we have to choose from freedom. Not from "without you I die." Because then if I do that, I make a dependency bond, there is no love, there is dependence. On that basis said then, I return.
The three components sex, eros and love.
To try to put words, when I say sex, obviously everything that is pleasant, instinctive, has to do with the most passionate of us, and this is a seasoning of love . The first constitutive element of our love.
The second, eros. Eros instead in a slightly higher sense, has to do with the desire . I would say to put it in a more practical way, sex has to do with our instinctive part of man-woman, with our passions etc. but the eros, on the other hand that is the stem, that unites the root with the flower, the eros has to do with the desire, with that desire to be with you . Eros is what will allow everything to develop, without eros, love goes out and sex becomes routine . That is why it is so important to hold eros. I'm going to talk about that now.
Eros is this desire, it's like, remember when you first became a boyfriend, remember backwards, I wanted to see it so much, that I was running, and I don't know what we were talking about or anything, but I was dying to be next. The desire to, is like the energy that unites sex and love. And when eros disappears, I repeat, sex becomes routine and love goes out. Being able to sustain the desire is essential, so in that radio Argentina that listens there, millennium, the important thing is not if you lose or if you win the important thing is that you do not lose the desire.
For all things in life, eh! The important thing is not if you lose or if you win, the important thing is that you don't lose the desire.
Even more, I get out of the love we are talking about, and I move on to the love of our children, the worst thing that can happen is to see a father or a mother with no desire, no desire to live, no desire to learn, no desire to thank, no desire to be A man or a woman without desire, turns off the lives of those next to him. That is why sustaining the desire is an issue. It seems a matter of effort, volunteer, no, no! Now let's talk about how the desire is sustained.
But obviously what it is about working there in this eros so that our sex and our love go hand in hand . These three components, love is missing. Of course, when I talk about love, I talk about communion, about tenderness, about meeting, I talk about knowing how to forgive each other's mistakes, I talk about knowing how to support the other, although what the other does doesn't interest me, I talk about supporting the growth of the other because I know that the good of the other is also my good, that is love.
Love as a search for the good of the other, for its growth. Then sex, eros and love, the three components, if any of these are not, the quality of the marriage bond begins to be lost. And there are three parts that have to be, when, I repeat, one of these is not, everything falls.
The important thing is not to be perfect, but to achieve an emotional survival, which is achieved when one takes care of the three components . But for us to understand the mystery of the relationship of the three components, one could say so:
When one in married life begins to lose eros, sometimes she or he begins to walk her eros, do you understand me? . And when one begins to take the eros out there, it makes some barbaric messes, because the game of seduction begins, then when you take the eros to walk and enter the game of seduction, you get into each mess, by that the issue is to recover the eros inside, not take it out for a walk outside . Eros alone, is seduction, when eros is within the couple is very nice because eros within the couple is, we seduce each other, but when you always look at the same phrase: when the other does not care what he does or leaves To do, when the other does not care about this or what is so important to me, I begin to lower the eros. And the same story always happens, when the one who has to listen to me, doesn't listen to me, I'm looking for someone to listen to me. If she is a woman and finds a friend, everything is fine, and if she is a man and finds a friend, everything is fine. Now if she finds a friend who listens to her more than the one who has to listen to her, the problem begins. All the disagreements, I say most of the disagreements that I have seen in all the lives of couples, in all of them it is traced, it is like the abc, when I did not feel heard or heard, I begin to look outside for someone who does ...
When eros is only accompanied by sex, when there is eros and sex it ends up having addiction, because when I only have passion, and I take it out of the instinctive only, there ends up having a state of passion, which in the long run I think I can be love when It is not, like the phrase I gave him when we are there reading. There may be a great sexual union, but it is not being love, when my desire is reduced to having sex and I think that is love, again, another deviation.
When eros is linked to love, when the desire is linked to love, the desire and enthusiasm together with love usually creates a bond of friendship inside and outside the couple. Tell me ... when I have a friend or friend I want to be with them, want to be, that eros is. When we accompany him with love, the friendship is very deep . True friends is where we have just joined eros and love, so there is a link, desire to, enthusiasm to say, to be. What we should achieve is that this is within the link we have as well. But eros and love give a lot of strength because they nourish a lot . The difference is that precisely with my partner / life partner what I have is the sex part.
So to close this idea, eros is the bridge between sex and love. Marital life, or married or couple life is really healthy when the three components are united, when sex, eros and love are united the couple is full.
A eso deberíamos aspirar y como digo antes… observen que muchas veces cuando pensamos en lo que les digo no tenemos claro esto que voy a decirles, tomo la idea que les dije antes.
Lo que no crece, muere. Vamos a empezar al revés, cuando uno deja de crecer. Cuando deja de crecer el vínculo,
¿Cuáles son los síntomas que están demostrando que ya no estamos creciendo, que ese vínculo se está apagando? … esto se puede trasladar a muchos ámbitos de la vida, ahora lo quiero acotar a lo que estamos hablando. Uno empieza a sentir que no está creciendo cuando aparece la triple D .
Siempre el triangulo tiene que ver con el rea del pensamiento, sentimiento y acci n. Mente, coraz ny voluntad. Y cuando uno empieza a dejar de crecer en el v nculo afectivo del matrimonio o de la pareja inexorablemente aparecen estas triples D.
La primera es el desencanto . El desencanto es esto de: “ya no te admiro, ya no me encantas. Ya no me encanta ir a casa, ya no me encanta hacerte una comida rica, ya no me encanta vestirme bien para cuando llegas. Ya no me encanta que salgamos juntos”, el encanto es el ingrediente que en todos los órdenes de la vida me esta mostrando que estamos creciendo bien . Y por eso lo traslado, sino te encanta una atardecer, si no te encanta caminar por la playa si no te encanta escuchar una música, si no te encanta leer una poesía, algo anda mal en tu vida. Pero si, lo acoto a esto, si ya no me encanta estar contigo, algo anda mal seriamente, y ese desencanto, normalmente le sigue el disgusto.
“Ya no me gusta estar acá, ya no me gusta hacer lo que hacíamos”, cuando al desencanto y al disgusto le sigue la tercera D, que es el desgano, la falta de ganas, la cosa se complica.
Triple D: Desencanto, disgusto y desgano.
De modo que lo que debo hacer para sostener el crecimiento es cuidar el encanto, cuidar el gusto y cuidar las ganas . Si eso se cae, puede enfermarse la relación pero también puede llegar a morir, aunque estemos bajo el mismo techo. Por eso entonces, uno deja de crecer en todos los órdenes de la vida, pero también en la vida de pareja, cuando aparece el desencanto, el disgusto y el desgano. Y normalmente que pasa en la realidad, y ¿cómo debemos solucionar esto?
¿Cuál es la medicina para esto?
Primero la manera equivocada de salir de acá, y van a ver qué, lo que digo ahora, no estamos vacunados, ninguno de los que estamos aquí. Cuando uno en la vida o en la pareja, empieza a tener estas triples D, como un síntoma típico de fiebre como la fiebre a la infección, cuando esto parece, el peor peligro es salir de acá buscando adicciones . Muchas veces buscamos placeres, que son paliativos, para salir de esto. Entonces compramos un auto, hacemos un viajecito, hacemos esto, lo otro. Y buscamos cosas de afuera, que l lenen el vacío que uno tiene . El peligro es que siempre caemos en la adicción, buscamos momentos placenteros que nos hagan salir de estas sensaciones, él se hace adicto al trabajo, ella se hace adicta a los hijos. ¡Existe eh! Existe la adicción a los hijos . Una cosa es amarlos y otra es ser adictos. Cuando vivo para ellos, cuando ellos son mi felicidad, ¡cuidado, cuidado te pasaste la línea!. Vos tenes que darle tu felicidad a ellos, no que ellos sean tu felicidad. “No Roberto, son mi felicidad”, suena muy bonito eh, pero es peligrosísimo, es una trampa. Ella se hace adicta a los hijos, él se hace adicto al trabajo, él o ella se hace adicto al televisor, sino aparecen otras adicciones menores o mayores, él se hace adicta al golf, ella al gimnasio etc. etc. y aparecen las pequeñas adicciones, ella se hace adicta a las cirugías, él se hace adicto a no sé qué otra cosa. Y empiezan las pequeñas o grandes adicciones de cada día. Y vivimos en un mundo adictivo en donde esas adicciones, son placenteras, pero no solucionan la situación de fondo . Entonces, me encuentro con matrimonios de varios años, de veinte, treinta años de casado que vos te das cuenta que si rascas un poquito, bajo toda esa cosa, esa cantidad de cosas, o de placeres o de disfrute hay una sensación de que eso tapa, algo que no está muy bien resuelto. Porque a la hora de la verdad, no se escuchan entre sí, cada uno tiene sus escuchas aparte, no digo que llegue a otra cosa, pero cada uno tiene vidas paralelas.
Cuando esto ocurre, el camino de las adicciones, y lamentablemente es lo más común, ¿Cuál es la medicina para salir de acá?.
Y ahora les voy a dar la clave que creo yo que es un secreto para la vida matrimonial, y la podemos aplicar en todos los vínculos ¡eh! Miren lo que voy a decir acá, se da exquisitamente en la amistad:
El amor de pareja, es el piso superior de la planta baja, que es el amor de amistad.
El amor de la pareja se sustenta, en el amor de amistad. Si ella y él no son amigos, difícilmente sean buenas parejas. La amistad es como la base del vínculo del hombre y de la mujer porque las cosas que voy a decir, lo hacen los amigos entre sí. Miren esto:
¿Qué es lo que una amiga o amigo nos hace?, la verdadera amiga eh!, siempre nos enseña a discernir . El verdadero amigo o amiga es el que te recuerda siempre que es lo esencial y que es lo accidental, cuando te perdiste, te dice: “para, para, te estas yendo para a otro lado, esto es lo importante, estas desatendiendo lo urgente, estas no mirando lo esencial, te quedaste en lo accidental”, discernir es ayudarte a que te des cuenta . De lo que es prioritario y lo que es secundario, por eso el verdadero amigo, es aquel que te ayuda a darte cuenta de lo que es transcendental y más importante. Muchas veces cuando estamos confundidos por problemas de la vida cotidiana, el amigo no es el que te da la respuesta de lo que tienes que hacer, es el que te ayuda a pensar para que vos mismo encuentres esa respuesta . Porque los verdaderos amigos saben esta frase: “que el mejor aprendizaje es el propio descubrimiento “. Igual con nuestros hijos, el mejor aprendizaje es el propio descubrimiento.
Yo puedo acompañar a que el otro lo descubra pero no puedo andar dando recetas por ahí . Entonces el discernir es el ayudarme a darme cuenta de qué es lo importa, qué es lo esencial, qué es lo que esta pasando acá, de qué no te diste cuenta, de qué te olvidaste.
Por eso el discernir, cuando esto empieza a pasar, en vez de buscar cosas placenteras es sentarnos y revisar a ver qué nos está pasando, o sea qué es lo esencial. Algo anda mal, tenemos que revisarlo juntos . Discernir es como el primer paso en este trabajo de tratar de salir de lo que no nos ayuda a crecer.
Lo segundo, me encanta porque todo es con D, es Digerir. Justamente lo que un amigo hace o lo que una amiga hace, es ayudarnos a digerir la vida . Miren hay mucha gente que anda con cara de indigestión toda la vida, ustedes lo saben, yo lo veo muy seguido y esa cara de indigestión la tienen porque no saben digerir las situaciones negativas de la vida ya veces lamentablemente no saben apreciar las cosas maravillosas de la vida. Entonces vos decís ¿Cómo con todo lo que tiene no puede ser mejor, no puede estar mejor?. Hay gente que no sabe digerir lo negativo y hay gente que tampoco sabe digerir lo positivo y te lo dice: “ahora estoy bien, pero vas a ver que esto va a durar poco eh!, lo s . Le el hor scopo chino y este a o no va a venir bien, ya me estoy preparando . Entonces vos te das cuenta que no vive el momento completo porque ya espera que se le acabe, esta sensaci n de no saber digerir la vida, no, viv tu presente, pero grabemos esto:
El arte de vivir es el arte de digerir la vida.
Que hace el aparato digestivo? es muy simple, le damos cualquier cosa, comida chatarra, comemos cualquier cosa, y l se encarga maravillosamente de seleccionar . Y entonces separa lo que es nutritivo y deja de lado lo que no es nutritivo, porque estamos sanos, porque tenemos un aparato digestivo que sabe sacar lo nutritivo de las cosas que le damos, y sabiendo sacar lo nutritivo hasta de las cosas m s porquer as que comemos, nuestro c uerpo est sano . Pero adem s expulsa las que no son nutritivas.
Llev monos a la vida. El arte de vivir es el arte de saber aprender de las situaciones agradables y desagradables que la vida nos pone . Y poder hablar de ambas, y poder compartir con lo con ella, la situaciones desagradables y agradables y poder ver juntos que tenemos que aprehender de esta situaci n, como salir adelante frente a esta realidad y cuando uno puedo mirar, no quejarme por lo que pasa o estar viviendo esperando que me pase algo que nunca me pasa, tomar lo que me pasa, encontrar la manera de extraer lo nutritivo lo mejor, el aprendizaje de esto y repito, sacar de m el no perd n, la bronca, la culpa, el enojo, la ira, etc. etc. Sacar el miedo, y todo lo que es emocionalmente cosas negativas. Cuando uno puedo hacer eso, la vida es sana. Y qu es lo que hace un amigo? es eso, el amigo viene y te dice: no te pongas as, sentate y te desdramatiza todo el drama que tenes, y si es un buen amigo no te da la soluci n, te ayuda a pensar que podes hacer con eso . Por qu piensas que Dios o la vida te trajo esta situaci n?, que sent s que tienes que aprender de esto?. El amigo o amiga es quien te ayuda a discernir que tienes que aprender, no como tienes que solucionarlo. El verdadero amigo te ayuda a que te des cuenta por qu llegaste a donde llegaste y qu tienes que sacar de esto. Y eso es lo que deber amos lograr tener en nuestra vida, compa eros en la vida . Poder poner afuera lo que nos duele, miedo, culpa etc. etc. ponerlo ah y decir que hacemos con esto?.
Por eso una pareja que aprende a discernir entre ambos y aprende a digerir lo que pasa, está sana.
Y a partir de ahí entonces, aquello que me está trayendo desencanto, disgusto o desgano es importante que lo ponga a fuera, que vea la razón, de por qué eso y tengo que pensar por qué paso y qué tengo que hacer para cambiarlo. Eso es digerir la vida . Discernir, digerir y lo tercero . Todo amigo nos enseña a disfrutar la vida. Más aún un secreto de alguien que vivió, más de medio siglo.
Un secreto clave cuando no estés disfrutando, toca la campana. Cuando en tu matrimonio o pareja no estés disfrutando, urgente toca la campana, el timbre, hace algo. Porque el síntoma primero que denota que ese matrimonio empieza a morirse es cuando ya no disfruto. Todo lo que estoy diciendo ahora, no crean que soy el ejemplo, así que por favor olvídense de pensar que les habla alguien que tiene todo esto claro en la realidad, Dios me enseño a tratar de entenderlo aquí y volcarlo con amor y tratar de vivirlo, pero yo me he dado cuenta en esa introspección ¡que pena! que cuando deje de disfrutar esto, no dije, no estoy disfrutando. ¡Qué pena que no lo dije!. Y que para que no haya problemas, para que no haya conflicto para que no se enoje, para que no se vaya o para lo que fuera, me calle. Y cuando uno empieza a no disfrutar, y mantener las cosas así, inexorablemente empieza el desencanto, el disgusto y el desgano . Pero miren es como una mancha de humedad, esto que digo acá. No es que un día está todo mal, no, empieza un mancha de humedad que primero le pongo un sillón adelante para que no la vea nadie, después le pongo un televisor porque creció, después le pongo un cuadro. Entonces la mancha de humedad empieza en una pareja cuando no estoy disfrutando . Peor aún, puede que yo este disfrutando, pero cuando yo veo que el otro no está disfrutando también debo preguntar ¿qué está pasando?. Entonces tengo que parar la pelota. Tengo que parar, porque si no paro puedo pensar que todo está bien cuando no está. Y termina creándose esta mancha de humedad.
REDACTORA: Gisela S., editor of the great family of the hermandadblanca.org.
FUENTE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTeNN3bSBe0
